speechless

So. I have been sick for about 17 days now. First I had a cold and than and infection that back to a cold and than my acid reflux flared and raged and now I can not speak. I am on personal assigned vocal rest until I can not feel sore to talk. New puppy makes that hard though b/c she is so stinking difficult.
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I sit at home today watching Romeo and Juliet. I am being such a girl. I am in the love phase. I am enamored by it. It is very unlike me. I am trying to understand romance and why it exist and how. It is weird.

I am doing things like a good Mexican. I got the water received and had than stand set up. I got the gas set up and the gas tank lit.

I am going to go to Starbucks today and read. There is not much else that i can do today. Oh and i think some friends are coming over to watch Elf tonight. This makes me feel all happy and Christmas-y

I got a care package from a supporting congregation. It made me smile.

The team hung out at Nancy's store until late. It was great.

I am so stinking exhausted. It is awful. I slept about 8 1/2 hours but I am so tired. being sick is the worst.

I have a puppy!!!!

Here name is Bela. She is stinking cute. She is a little beyond puppydom but man, she is still very much a puppy. She is intrigued by my toes. She pounces them so I have to wear socks at all times. She is not house broken so that is a patience tryer for both Amanda and I. The boys have been great to. They just moved upstairs like two days ago and so they are claiming the dog as well. They call her our dog, it is way cute. Ben says we can't keep her indefinitely and that makes me sad.
See, I cam home on Tuesday night and she was just sitting in front of my apartment door. I couldn't just leave her there. SO I told Amanda that God had given us a dog. We asked our neighbors and no one knew who she belonged to. SO we told one of the apartment workers that we had her in case anyone comes looking for her. NO one has yet. S for now, she is ours.

My vacation in other parts of Mexico was simply amazing. I spent like a whole week with the Thornton's which made me so happy.I could not have asked for a better thanksgiving. It makes me so happy. Took tons and tons of pictures and saw so many things. I laughed hard and cried hard. I pent time with some AIMers I hadn't seen since April so what was way cool. I stayed with the Guadalajara girls for a little while and they were so sweet. Making me breakfast and just amazing.

I talked with Aaron a lot. I knew I had missed him but, I had no idea how much. He makes me so happy. It was good to be with "tio Aaron" again.

I talked with Brian. It was really nice. I think I lost a lot of bitterness and resentment I had held towards him. I don't even think I was so aware that I was mad until I saw him and than there as the anger. But, we talked and not really even about why I was mad, we just talked. IT was like old times and I just felt better.

The retreat was amazing. I always learn a lot when Jason and Heather are speaking and this time was no different. They amaze me. They are so in tune with God and His word and it just flow or radiates from them.

The last morning I was talking to Jason about how my ministry had felt really empty. I didn't really want to go to the retreat because I didn't want to tell people that I don't really do much. He was so good though and talked to me about how in the secular word when you are a chef the owner will come in and ask you about what all you have done, how many dishes you have served, where they satisfied, was it hot, things of that nature. And if you have little to share you could loose your job. but in the Christian world. In the realms of ministry, God comes in and just asks me "did you stay in the kitchen, when a costumer came in, did you take the opportunity and do your best" I was so amazed. that was a great relief ( I apologize if that makes no sense, I will never say it as amazingly as he did)

It is amazing though because two nights ago I was leaving Starbucks and got into a talk with a worker there. He asked me about my beliefs and why I believe them. He really is beyond the beliefs of some philosopher I have never heard of. So we made a deal. I will read the stuff from this philosopher that he prints off for me if, he is will o sit down and study the bible. He said yes, So, he is putting together a list of questions for me, and we are going to study them. I am stoked.

I think that is it for now.... oh yea. I am going to a metal show tonight, August Burns Red. I am stoked. I am going to get knocked around.

SO I almost have enough money for the Mac. I am like less than $100 short but I still do not have what I need for the retreat. I am really hoping to go up to Guadalajara early to see the Thornton's but it is going to cost me a little extra and I am not sure I can afford that. I really miss them and it would be really nice spend a little bit of time with them before they get bombarded by everyone else. They want to take me to the zoo. I might get to go to the zoo with my family!!! I really miss Eli and Julia.

I talked to my mom last night. It was horrible. We see things so differently. I fear I will never make her happy. I fear that she will never view me a someone who should call them self a Christan. I am always saying or acting the wrong way and she always views me as worse than I am. I am trying really hard to not exaggerate the situation. I jut left it feeling really crappy. I think we came to a good conclusion though. I told her that when i want her advice I am going to ask for it. But otherwise just listen to my story. Sometimes I need to fail on my own let me live and learn. I am 21 and I am trying really hard to be right before God but, I feel like she never sees that. I don't know. I love her and I really miss her and as I write this I am incapable of not crying. I miss her and Blair so much. I hat being a big sister who has no part n her little brothers life. Being so far away from him as he grows up is killing me. I just wish I could see him.

I am still working on flight stuff.... well my dad his. He has been really helpful these past few weeks with working on getting me home and helping me raise money for the computer. I don't have the heart to talk to him about the money for the retreat. So, we will see what God will do through other peoples help.

I miss Michelle. I really miss here. I hope to get to see her in the nearish future.

I am going to an August Burns Red concert in December. Ben told us that the someone could go if we all went. So i am going. Not that I am not excited but... dear gosh I am so poor.

007 was really good. I liked it a lot. I think i might be becoming a James Bond fan.

Twilight comes out on Friday and I think that Ashley might come down to see it with me. GIRLS NIGHT!!!!!

So life is crazy and I think I might just be a wreck. With time.

We are hoping to start working at this place called Casa Tatic(sp) it is a school that teaches street kids basic things of importance. Like brushing there teeth, washing there hands and things like that. I am hoping to go and teach some music and maybe some English and waterfowls they want. I am so excited. I am hoping to work with the toddler group but I would e happy with anything. I love children and I really miss working with them. so, this is just what I have been wanting. also we are still hoping to go look at that orphanage.

Ben is coming back today. I am ready to have him hee for a few days. We miss him. It will be ncie to have him around for a bit and to get to spend time with him. This week has been beyond uneventful. My computer is broken now and I I am really working on raising money to get a new one.

I miss you. iF you are reading this you are probably someone I miss. I have found myself very nostaligic recently. I keep remmeberng random things i did with random peple and getting sad. But i know God is in control and this too shall pass.

I have been hanging out with this girl named Gabby a whole lot and she is stinking awesome. It is nice to have a new friend. I get to see Jason and Heather and the kids in like a week and a half, YAY.

Working on flight stuff to go home in January lets just hope it workds out alright.

I think my team is going to help me get to the retreat, they are prettty awesome. I am blessed and lucky.

We are getting a new vonage box tonight. I am hopong to be in the phone world soonly.

SO... I am in my amazingly cute apartment watching Gilmore Girls with my amazingly awesome roommate/teammate/friend. i keep thinking that this can't be real. I mean I live in Mexico, it can not really be a reality. last week we had our five month aversiry here. I just am mind blown. I have a small group at my house I have friends and people I hang out with. I teach English at a school four days a week and teach two other private lessons and about to start teaching my third one. I have my place where I go read. I have my place where I am known by name.

Spanish is driving me crazy though. i hate it most of the time. It is exhausting and I suck at it. I am tired of being corrected so often. i wish I could function better and understand what people are saying to me. I feel so stupid so often and it makes me so angry. i feel like I am working my butt off all the time. I am out and about a lot. I try to talk to people and instead end up sounding like a moron.

I am working on being more up beat and positive. I seam to be failing a lot. the vonage phone is broken. I hate that.

Today was good though. Although Spanish makes me so angry. I am happy. I am working on a lot of things though.

hey

ok blog world...so i have sat down a few times to write and i feel like i am coming up short. i think culture shock is hitting real hard. I am going through a lot of motions just doing what i need to do. I have really been needing a day of complete nothingness. I want to watch lots of television and order a pizza and jsut be alone. Amanda is going out of town on Saturday so I am hoping I can get that soonish .

other stuff. the team has started teaching at a school. since the teachers are on strike and have been for awhile the parents are starting to get mad and are putting their kids back in school and hiring in teachers to work with the kids. it has been crazy though. i have gone three or four times now and each time it is completely different. I never know what age group i am teaching or what to prepare for. it is the 7th 8th and 9th grade there but i am pretty sure i have never taught the same class twice. I don't know. I find myself a bit stressed out and unproductive but yesterday a girl ran over and gave me a huge hug and told me she was happy to see me. that really helped if nothing else. we are also making friends with carlos, the other English teacher and that has been way cool.

i went to the states for a bit and that was real nice. we went for our recruiting trip and had so much fun. i am really praying that God sends a team our way. it would be so great to have people continue the work we are doing here.

i go to starbucks almost everyday. some days i get a discount and other days its free. i lvoe having my place. it like cheers "sometime you wanna go where everybody knows your name. and their always glad you came" but better b/c its coffee and tea not alchol.

I started reading more. I like to do that now. i need more good books though. that would be nice.

i ahve missed my family a lot this week. blair especially. i have his picture on my computer and he is jsut way to handsome for his own good.

a food friend asked me last night what i miss the most about the the states and i told him the people i have there. everything else fades in the wayside. it really is all about relationships.

i think i am getting sick or something.... hope that goes away soon.

i am finishing my august/September newsletter TOMORROW..... i really need to.

i think that is all...

It has been hard to motivate myself to get out of bed today. I feel like all I want to do is lay still. I want to soak in today an all its noises. I want to breath in everything that is Tuesday. Today is a new day. I am having a hard time feeling it but I am going to believe in it and trust in it. I have a God who is beyond amazing. i have a God who knows the future. My faith feels very very weak right now. Holding on seems very hard. I trust though that you have a plan, I trust that you are bigger than me. i don't know why I trust. Some part of me doesn't even want to, but I know that all other choices fail so strongly in comparison to God and who He is.

What a rough week this has been so far. i felt felt almost every emotion across the board. It has been so bad i have started to make myself sick. I think what is worse is I just took two days of personal time so i should be fine and I really shouldn't take another. I know that probably wouldn't be best anyways. SO, I think I am going to try and go by Aidee's house and spend some time with her. than go to starbucks and than head on to Doug and Sandy's to get ready for group.

I also might be in trouble. there was a bit of a mis-communication on Sunday and I think I messed up real bad. I don't know. I thought i was doing the right thing. I wasn't trying to be a rule breaker. i don't think i was. I just got caught in Mexico City (DF). I was told to stay that it was easier but, I guess that it was not communicated with everyone else. i don't know.

This week might kill me. I am learning a lot and I know it willbe better in time... but I really need some time.

I wish it were better

i wish I knew what to do. i wish I knew how to feel. i wish this wasn't so hard. The more I want to heal the more I hurt. It feels like my gut is in constant pain. My head hurts and I fee; like tears to often. why is it this way? Why do I feel like the only one who feels this way? i know I have people to talk to and I do but it really does not help. I finish the tears and pretend it is all OK because I really don't know what else to do. It is really just something I have to deal with, something I have to learn to trust in. I am not good at that I guess. i think I just haven't really figured out the secret. I think I should pray more.

but in other news. pray for Aidee, she hurt herself and is in a neck brace for 15 days. i don't really know the details but I am going over to her place tomorrow for an English class so than i am hoping to get the details.

I am going to Mexico City this weekend, I am hoping to figure out somethings. I have never felt so blach about something as I do right now.


It will be OK, I know it will be. I just know and believe and maybe if I say it enough I will honestly believe it.

ramble

so. It will be four months here next Tues. I think that is just plain crazy. I have all these feelings and desires of things to do and it is weird but, you know what that strongest thought I feel is? Lonely. I feel so lonely. It's silly. People just say this gives you time to be in a relationship with Jesus, but see I am just not sure that He feels that void. that sounds so awful when I read what i wrote but, I just am not sure He is supposed to. Adam walked with God in the garden but, God knew that would not be enough and gave him Eve. He had pre-anticipated it all. So, I am the only single one on the team and really out of the people I hang out with and it is hard. I don't know. that's is i think....

Home again.

well, we got back around 540 from Acapulco. It was amazing. I soaked up tons of sun and had so much fun.

Wednesday when we got in i was really nervous about what all could go wrong. my biggest fear was that the hotel wouldn't actually exist.but luckily it did. so we got checked in and than got changed and headed to the beach. We at at this little place with pretty crummy food and were scouted by people to by everything under the sun. we than went to this island and and swam in the ocean. water was calm and beautiful. Rudy and I rode a jet ski, it was my first time. we than went back to the hotel and swam in the pool, got showered up went to the mall for dinner at Applebee's and by the time we got home we were all so exhausted we went to sleep.

Thursday- woke up and had breakfast at the hotel that was so good. than went to find the bungee jump. when we got there it wasn't opened yet so we went to the beach near it. It was really strong and kind of scary. the people there were a bit crude and we had a few uncomfortable moments. but since this is a family appropriate blog I will leave that out. but no real serious problems. we than went to the bungee. I had no plans of jumping but my team is really convincing.


after that we went to a different part of the beach that was a bit more calm. I rode a different jet ski with Rudy and than he let me drive for a bit. It was crazy. We than went home Rudy and I swam and than we all ate dinner at the hotel. than we went to this rock diving show that was insane. I went back to the hotel and used the Internet and than went to bed.

Friday we did breakfast and went back to the island. It rained and we swam in it anyways. ate there and than went back to the hotel. i swam with Rudy than got ready and went to the mall we went and saw taken and than ate at burger king. after that we went to Starbucks and than Beck to the hotel.

over all it was a great vacation. BUT... oh my gosh i am so tired. But i loved the trip. It was fantastic

Here

so i am sitting a Starbucks and I love it here. i walked in and they asked me if I want what I usually get and I say... um... I don't think so its cold. he than says how about having it warm. I was like sure, why not. than the girl walks up to get my drink hearing nothing but the size and automatically goes for the cold cup it was fun for me. I have a place where they know me by name. It is not as good as shades but it will do for now. also when I was walking in i saw one of the guys who works here and he kissed my check and than said something i didn't really understand. I told him my Spanish wasn't very good and he argued me and said I understand so much. It was neat. It made me smile.

this week has been nuts. We had friends day at church on Sunday and had 72 PEOPLE THERE!!!!!!!! the most we have ever had. It was awesome. I didn't go into service though. There was a boy there who was mentally challenged so i sat outside with him and than took pictures of service and class. More on this in the soon future. it was great. there was also this lady there with her five sons. So i invited them over later for swimming and pizza, here and her five sons. Including the AIMers we had 16 people but it was a blast and I think they are considering coming to small group this week since we won't have it this week because us AIMers are going to..... ACAPULCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so stoked. four days on the beach with just my other three teammates it should be great.

Amanda and I moved today and I am exhausted. WE also have no gas so I am not sure how I am going to get to shower but, it will all work out. I am almost completely unpacked... to turn around and repack.

I decided that I am going to Georgia in May for the wedding. he is my best friend and he wants me there, I want to be there.

i miss my family. I miss them so much. Blair is my joy and even just thinking about him makes me so happy and so sad all in the same breath.

I think Jean Michele enjoyed group a lot. He told his mom that the had tons of fun. this makes me so excited. how cool that Jean Pierre is easing up to us.

I leave for Lubbock in like 29 days... Popeye's here I come.

Oh also, Id decided to not write a newsletter this month. I am going to to a video instead. Pictures and what not.

My thoughts are all over the place. I like it, I am so happy.

what a crazy week

we are living with Doug and Sandy and that has been really nice. It is weird living withe the grand parent type, very new territory. I have been trying to make a new routine. i am trying to be up by 830 at the latest watch a video podcast sermon. eat breakfast and take a shower. its been hard. I need the time though. things here don't really start until 10ish so its weird. But, things go more late than things in the state. i am really not used to the rainy weather either. It makes me tired. The clouds make me want to sleep all the time so I am working through that.

Went out for breakfast with Andrew and Amanda this morning. it was nice. Rudy is sick and so it was kinda lame he couldn't come but we had fun anyways.

Its hard being on the field. I talked to someone last night who told me they have been going to Mexican restaurants where they speak no English to try to experience what we feel and than pray for us, i thought that was really neat. brought tears to my eyes. But honestly I miss home a lot recently.

I haven't been able to talk to people very much since living with Doug and Sandy and I miss that. it is what keeps me going. Knowing that you support me in this helps me stay committed.

I wish I knew what was best. I am trying to figure out when to go home to visit and i am having a great deal of trouble deciding. Knowing what is best for me and for you is really hard. I am trying but failing miserably. Anyways. I miss you and that I do know.

I have not talked to Blair it what feels like ages. He is my joy. I miss singing to him and laughing. I really hopes he gets to come visit. The whole family of course but especially him. Oh I want him to meet the kids here.

Friends day is on Sunday. I am inviting Aidee and her family. Young Daniel and Raul from the tienda and his family. God is working and i am excited to see what amazing things he does.

Well I think I am going to nap. I am so stinking exhausted and I think it might rain.

I have missed Jesus

I accidentally cut Him out of my ministry. I got so busy talking about Him to other people and doing the missionary thing that I had forgotten to incorporate Him in my life. I teach English class and talk with Alex about Him. I tell Aidee how powerful He is. I go to small groups and church but I had not spent time with him. Tonight i decided to finish the video sermon I tried to watch this morning. It was so great. It talked about having Jesus as your Shepard. I remembered why i am here. i remembered how much I lack but how great He is in me. I started listening to some worship services they have posted online. It has been great. Than i was talking to Zane online.

trueoreo12 (10:18:27 PM): tell me something good something true

SoarinEagles2005 (10:19:42 PM): Good funny or just all around good?

trueoreo12 (10:20:18 PM): all around good

SoarinEagles2005 (10:22:30 PM): You're not alone

trueoreo12 (10:23:30 PM): oh.... for some reason... that was what I needed tonight

It is so easy to let big truths slip my mind. I get so caught up in the vocabulary of church. I know I am not alone. It has been an overall good day. Because i have chosen to start and end it with Jesus.

perspective

I have begun to discover that perspective is everything. The way i perceive that exact situation someone else experiences with me. I guess to some extant i knew that but in reality it never really clicked. like my time here has been the exact same time as the rest of my team has had but we all feel so different.

i guess that isn't really what is on my mind right now. I am so brain trapped. I am doing the girl thing. I don't want to be a girl. I get flustered and distracted it is weird.

Motivation... where does it go. For some reason prayer feels so fake. i don't know. When I sit down to pray or to read it feels so forced like I have to b/c I am a missionary and that is just what we do. i don't know. That probably doesn't make since or makes me sound horrible and that is not what I want I just can't seem to make sense of it. I don't know. Sometimes I eel like he already knows what I want to say so why even bring it up. I don't know if that... oh I don't know. I feel so far away. he feels so far away. I don't know how to go back. i wish this made sense. I just have so many thoughts and I don't feel like it is a concept easily discussed. It scares people when you say you are struggling because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't feel there is an answer that can be given.

I miss singing in English. A lot. i am starting to wonder... people have love languages is it possible that we also have worship languages and if you aren't able to express your love language than you stat to feel distant from God. i am not sure, I should look into that thought some more.

last day

I have less than four hours of class. Afterwards I have to pack like a mad woman. I hate packing. It is so hard to motivate myself to do it.

This week just might kill me. I struggle a lot with doing the right thing. I struggle with keeping others accountable to things that i really do not feel is big deal. I want to do the right thing though. I feel we need to do the right thing. I know I am not perfect I know I screw up and I am not making excuses for me but although I fail some times I do not feel that it than cancels out my right to hold you accountable. Ii am trying. i want to be like Jesus and somethings I wonder..... I don't know this is hard. this is really hard for me.

Amanda and I talked last night while we were packing. She was saying how cool it is that we are friends now and how packing to move would just suck if we did not like each other. God is pretty cool that way. He knew what he was doing all alone even when I did not believe that He did.

I hate this feeling I have inside. I want to cry and scream and hit some one in the face. I am so exhausted an you are not making ti any better. You said it was your choice. you said you would take the blame and not hold us responsible. Now, you are so angry at us. I hate doing the right thing sometimes. I really suck at it. I hate trying to hold people accountable who have no care of right or wrong. I am trying so hard. I think I am done.

dos mas dias

I am in my house for the last two days. We are moving on Friday. I know I have an apartment i am just not sure when we can move into it. SO... for now we are moving but, I just do not to where at this exact movement. I will miss this house it is nice but the new place will be cheaper.

I am always tired and motivation is gone. I feel real empty inside like I am lacking something. It is weird.

ic ant seem to motivate myself to finish this post.. maybe later tonight/

No title seems sufficient to encompass all that is going on in my head. My eyes hurt from being on the edge of tears.

Yesterday the team and the Jenkins and Holcombs all went and at the mall. I had sushi, it was good. Afterwards we were being asked a lot of questions about housing and whatnot, I lost it. I tried so hard to not cry but... to no avail. So, Doug and Sandy took Amanda and I to find rent house posting. We found a few and Sandy made phone calls for us. We looked at one place today and it was really good. I wonder if we could bring down the price a bit though. We are also meeting with a realtor tomorrow. He seems really nice and I hope we can have something by Wednesday.

I now only have 12 hours of Spanish left.... YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! I feel exhausted though and kind of a weird frustrating hungry thing.

I miss you, I miss you a lot. It is kind of pathetic how this works. I wish you were here. You would hold me and reassure me it is all gonna be alright and for some strange reason I think I would trust you because you speak with such confidence and I feel safe. Even when I don't want to hear what you have to say I know you are usually right and for that. I know I am blessed.

still here

I finally got a good night sleep. i think I slept about 11 hours. I needed that so bad. Since we found out Sarah was leaving I have been sleeping horribly but, last night by the time we got home I way having trouble keeping my eyes open so by 1040, I was out.

Yesterday was good. Went to lunch with the team, went to wal-mart and hung out, went to plaza de cuernavaca and was bored stiff but I got this pina colada strawberry smoothie thing and that was great. Than we went to plaza gallaries and went and saw Se Busca or Wanted in English. Minus some awkward scenes I thought it was cool.

Today we are going to Lagunas Zempuelos for the day. Aidee is taking us with her family and we are going to eat and ride horses and do paddle boats and just have fun with her family. I am stoked. I think afterwards Aidee is going to help us set up some appointments to look for a new apartment.

I think we are going to try to start moving out on Monday. I hope that all goes smoothly. I find myself really stressed out and I hate that. I want to just be OK with all of the change I want to be easygoing and smooth sailing but i am not that girl I am so the girl who thinks out wose case scenarios and gets all flustered and what not, it is bad. I trust though that god will take care of it and of me. I trust that it will all be fine.

Robbie is comin to visit on Monday. She will be here through next sat. morning and than I think the team is going to go spend the day in Mexico City with the AIMers there. I am so stoked.

I miss home a lot lately. I miss friends a lot. I have cried a lot this week.

We are going to the beach in a few weeks. I am so excited. I am just hoping that i don't do something stupid and loose a lot of money instead of actually booking a hotel.

Lastly I AM GOING TO LUBBOCK!!!!!!!!! I am leaving the 1st of Oct. and I am stoked. You should come see me. I will be there for like 6 days. It will be nice to see some people and hopefully we will be able to find some time to sing in English with the AIMers.

Update

SO much is happening. Sarah left two weeks ago this coming Sunday. That was really hard and really sad. I am really starting to miss having here around. In that regard Amanda and I are moving. Next week we are moving into the bungalow of Marco until we can find an apartment or cheap house for the two of us. This is so stinkin stressful but, I will be livin in the same lot as Aidee and that is pretty stinkin cool.

We are almost done with language classes, Just four more days or as I like to say just 16 more hours.

I find myself sad a lot. i find myself missing my friends a lot and wishing I could be there with them as they grow up. I am making new friends and that is way cool, but nonetheless it is hard. I wish I could explain it. i am still very happy with my decision but, it is just rough. I am tired of people trying to make it better or thinking they can help. You can't really help even if you have been on the field it still does not make sense to you. But God is still god and I am still His and in that I find peace.

In my intercambio class we read the first chapter of Genesis. It was really cool. i am hoping to set up a woman's bible study once we finish classes. I want to have it once a week with Aidee maybe Zaida and maybe Alex my student and than maybe the girls Andrew and Amanda have been teaching English to. Who knows. I am just letting go of this place and holding His hand. He seems to know what he is doing.

up and down.

I know people have said this throughout time and i know many people have said it better and more eloquent than this but I am convinced that with almost every good thing that happens in life something bad follows close behind.

This week was really great. Church on Sunday was amazing. I was overwhelmed at just how amazing my church family here is. We did not end up having class because no one showed up. So I played with Coco's niece and talked in the little spanish I knew and we had fun. Than service was intresting but the best part was Aidee came and she brought Alex and John Marc, her youngest two boys. The reason why this is so fantastic is that her husband had decided the kids were not allowed to go to church with her, it is fine if that is what she wants but not the kids. Well, on Sunday John Pier, the husband was taking John Michele, the oldest to play tennis and for some reason it was just easier for the younger two to come with Aidee and they just loved it. I also helped out in the bible hour class which was hard and i think i need a few more weeks in spanish before I do that again.

After service the church through a fiesta for the missionaries. The suprised us with a meal and i was just so impressed. After that Martita's two daughters really wanted us to come over and play. So we did, we played some games outside and got all hot and sweaty and gross and it was fantastic. We are supposed to go back this Sunday for a movie and popcorn.

Monday was mostly typical from what I remember. Tuesday we went to La Fontana, the usual for the team on Tuesdays now but this time Aidee and her whole family came and Zaida. (Zaida is 13 and is quickly become my good friend, she is the daughter of our cleaning lady and she is real fun. We don''t communicate great yet but, God is definitly at work) After lunch Zaide cam over and taught Amanda and I some table games and that was fun.

Well we have friends from D.F. coming in soon so I need to go get ready, but i will hopefully get better about updating.

I don't understand

A very close friend of my spanish teacher passed away today. I hate this for her. I hurt and I have never even met the lady orher familyl. She leaves behind two children and no other family. How do I help? I can not assist that family they live in los cabos. I can help Aidee though. She was so sad today. SHe had to step ou of calss to cry. I want to be jesus. to her. I want to show her God's love.


Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?
Willow: Oh my god. Would you just... stop talking? Just... shut your mouth. Please.
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? Is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys...
Willow: The way you behave.
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things.
Anya: But I don't understand.
[begins to cry]
Anya: I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

I know it is cheesy and corny but, this is how I feel sometimes. I don't know what is ok to say or ask. I want to do it right. I want to help.


I know two things and I do neither of them well. I am called to love God and to love others. Well, I love God. and i love Aidee and I love this womann and her family and so I will pray. I understand that God has all the answers and i understand that he can heal the broken and the wounded.

blech

I am felling pretty crummy. my stomach hurts and so does my head. I am exhausted but I have so much I need to do. Pray that God gives me strength and keeps me well. Ireally d not want to be getting ill. i want to be in class learning. I need to be well.

Things here are good and I am starting to feel like I am actually learning the language some but still, it is very hard and i get frusturated often. I know it will be good though.

Friends day yesterday was really good. We had a lot of people, praise God. I knw the Lord is at work here and this makes me so happy. I am working with one of the men at the lavandaria on Wend.to teach him to sing in english. Hopefully that will open some amazing doors.

Also... be praying about Ashley Rector.

God bless till next time.

Loving this place

I have really not cried a whole lot since I have been here. I have been soaking everything in and jsut letting it all become real. Culture shock is a very intresting thing. It does reallly bizarre things to people. I have really been fighting through ti myself. i have been adjuting to my team and how to "live"with them on a consistant basia.i am happy though.

My team had a meeting on Monday night. We talked about a lot and i got to address a few things that were bothering me. I needed that. Afterwards I talked with Andrew for awhile and I cried for a long time. I do not understand love. I do not understanding how you can truly know a persons faults a love them in ptie of them. Weh I do understand is that he does. he loves me unconditionaly and for that I am forever greatful.

These past weeks have shown very eventful. I could have never known what to expect on this field but, this i do know. God is in control. Supoort has been working out for my whole team. Thank you God. My spirit is high and I am so greatful Fo my God and His unfailing love and commitment to me even when I struggle on remaining commited.

I know my thoughts are jumbled but, there is just so much; so sorry. maybe it will be better next time.

I am so tired of it. I am tired of being a grown-up. I am struggling trying to take care of me. I am tired of being rational and logical. Things are being fixed but, it is taking time. I want to be able to express everything on my mind but, I know that is not always the smartest idea.

The Lord is teaching me so much about myself and I am having a hard time learning it all. I want to be like jesus. I am struggling to know though how He dealt with conflict and frustion.

Did Jesus get annoyed and irrated with people? I mean did they just wear on Him? Did He have to seperate himself. I just want to know how He handled being with the same 12 people all the time. i don't know.

I am here and I am exhausted

Yesterday was my birthday... I am now 21. This is no different than 20. I am glad yesterday is done though. I felt so crummy most of the day and felt so bad becuase I know that people could tell. Everyone was so great but there was too much else on my mind. I couldn't seem to be fun birthday girl.

I don't know. My eyes hurt, my brain hurts, my stomach hurts. It has been a long week.

Mexico

I live here now, it's crazy. I love it here. It is so beautiful. Our house is huge and it is great. U s three girls have a four bedroom, 4 1/2 bathroom, a living room, kitchen, patio, two balconies and the rooftop which will eventually serve as the third balcony, home. Our landlord is so nice and really worked on us feeling like this home is our home. We are very happy with it.

the church we are working with is so great. the people are very nice and have really made us feel welcome, well I mean from what i understand so far.

We start language classes in a week and a day. I am scared, i have never tried to learn a foreign language before, so I am praying that I pick it up rather easily.

I am so tired though, this past week has been very busy. I will give a real and good post either tonight or tpmorrow.

And Breath... Just Breath

time moves by around me so fast. It is beyond my understanding how life can happen this way. I was looking at my blog and my personal information is: "who would have ever thought it was going to end and begin like this."

It has got me thinking though. The ending of Lubbock time and the beginning of Mexico time. I move in 22 days. This is the most bizarre thing. The stuff I learned while I was away will forever change me. The friendships that were created in Lubbock and the lost ones from OC. I was stretched and pulled and molded. God has changed me. i see the world different now. I am having to just step back and breath. I have to remember that God is in control. i am having to trust.

the talk the other night helped so much. I need someone to listen to me and to hear me out. Someone who isn't so busy with life that they are too busy for me.

I have no idea what is ahead and to say that I am not afraid would be a lie. I know this though. the one who has brought me this far, even when I am pushing and pulling in the opposite direction, knew what He was doing than and He knows what He is doing now. I am learning what it means to trust, unconditionally. I am learning what it means to be a true women of faith. i am so grateful for God and who He chooses to be in my life. I know it is going to be great.

new steps and new things. Saying goodbye and hello. who would have ever thought that it would end and begin like this? I must say, I am so grateful it did.

fingers in splint, cannot type for awhile.

packing again

my lubbock time is over. wow it flew by, everyone said it would butI guess it never fully clicked with me. This last week was a rough one. goodbyes were painful. I hurt some people andended some friendships. god is faithful and is in complete contrl. i smile because of who i get to be in my Savior.

small group ended up being well but not what I truly wanted.

SO... i am flippin exhausted. I worked my butt off this week. We had finals and what not this week and finished classes for AIM on Wednesday. My team had cultural breakfast this past morning. It was so great but tiring.

These next few weeks are going to be so busy with camp adventure. We will than travel to Arlington and than to Tulsa and to who knows where for a week and than back here for like a week and a half. I am so Happy on one end and than broken completely on the other end. I don't even know.

I think I will will just be to busy to process it all yet, but God will figure it out for me I guess.

Too short

I went back to OKC this weekend. I got to go back for spring sing. It was really good for me to get to go back and see people. it was hard though. i didn't know how emotionally wearing goodbye could be. For some reason i did not even want to be too near you. I did not want to even want to do the hello because I knew the goodbye would be coming way too soon. I didn't want to let go again. i think I freaked out some people but whatever. he weekend was so good for me.

It was really good to talk to Michael and Jaime. How faithful God always is and how nice it is to have that truth.

Its hard right now. Team stuff is very hard right now. Investing is difficult. I missed almost all of my afternoon clasess today because of talking with Kris, Chris Jo and Ben. I think it is going to work out though. I have so much to do this week. Good thing every other day this week is a half day that should help. Just a week and a half more of classes. Oh how nice.

Pray for me please. Pray for God to show me what is right and what is best. pray that He intervenes right now because We greatly need that. Pray for my boys as they discover their role on the team and what it means to lead. Pray for the girls as we grow in loving each other and encouraging the boys into their role. Pray for me to be more loving and supportive.

I am teaching small group tomorrow night but that is for a whole nother entry so till next time.

Came home sick today. I have on of those headaches that makes you cranky. Light hurts, noise hurts, thinking hurts, breathing hurts, I am exhausted. I have stressed myself out to the point of illness.

I talked to a fried the other night and they asked me why I cry so often. they asked me why i fight with people so much. htey asked em what had changed in Lubbock from when I was at OC. I am not sure though. I honestly have no idea. I am a little worried though. Maybe i am jsut stressing out about stupid things.

Chris J likes me. he thinks I am neat and this makes me smile real lots. He is pretty swell and I way like his family as well.. I

growing

So today was a rough one. I cried a whole lot. I am flippin out a bit jsut trying to process being on a team. It has been a very rough past few days. i guess past week is more accurate. I have been alon with the rest of my team fighting illness. I don't know what all eveyrone had but i can tell youthat it was way unpleasent. All are much better than they have been though.

We had a hard team meeting on Friday night. There was talk of quiting the team and talk of leaving AIM from different people. this was exhausting but very valuable to be aware of where people are at.

I am beign stretched and grown and ripped apart. I feel like my eyes might just fall out of my head. I have ben crying and fighting and such. I got angry today. I got so mad i wanted to quit. I am not quitting though. I am so afraid of the unknown. i know god is faithful. I am working on being confident in that knowledge. god is faithful and will reveal His plan inhis due time.

I leave for Mexico in less than 70 hours. I am very excited to get there and to get to go to Cuernavaca fo=r a day and meet the last couple and to stay the ngiht and go to the church I will be attending in a few short months.

More on all fo this soon... but right nwo I desperately need to go clean.

God is breaking my heart. He is moving me into a place I had never seen myself going. I am moving to Mexico. To Mexico. With the most amazing team a girl could ask for. I am truly blessed. i am broken and blessed.

I am beautifully broken. I am been ripped down and torn apart. I have been shapped and molded. Ht Lord is my rock and my salvation. I am so happy.I am broken and blessed

GROSS!!!!!!

I feel gross and yucky and empty and blah. i feel helpless and confused and in desperate need of something more than what I have been doing. i know where my struggle lies and where it will continue to be. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. NO control. NO answers. NO one to confide in. NO one who understands.

I HATE SATAN!!!!!!!! I hate what he does to me. I hate how he makes me feel insecure and alone and empty. I hate that he knows my weakness and uses them. I hate him and all he is.

Well, this is it. This is the end. Jesus and I are going to fight. We will win. I am protected. I have someone who knows me better and completely and loves me unconditionally. I have someone who hold me tight and will never let me go. I have someone who has a plan mapped out for me and a desire for who i can be and i want to be on that path.

I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
,
I love who i can be in Him. I love who He allows me to be. I am waiting for Him. MY Prince, my beloved. My Savior. My God.

I choose to make him Lord of today. I choose to make Him Lord of now and my future.

Amen

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for you unconditional love.

I have no motivation. i am exhausted and tired. Weddings are tiring. I am not sure what i think anymore. I have had so much on my plate recently. I think i have emptied it all out. why do I do these things. why do I stay so busy. Why do I allow myself to over busy myself and make such little time for a God? I know the importance and value of prayer and bible reading and time with God yet i still constantly fight what H desires for me. I need some good Jesus time. i need o go spend some time at a coffee shop with no one else. I might hit up the library at school or go find a place where no one else is. I want bible study with someone. I want an impromptu praise and worship time.

I have been good thus far. I have broke no rules or messed this up. I for some reason was under the impression that this would be enough. Not doing the wrong thing does not surpass doing the right thing. I need to o the right thing. I need to do the best thing. i am gonna do better.

Clean Slate '08.... yea thats good but I like New Sate '08