Monday, March 16, 2009
I haven't been here for awhile. honestly, i forgot about it. I wish I hadn't though. I have so much to say and feel so much. It has been a rough past few weeks and just when I feel that I am over it, I learn that I am not. I have felt so alone lately. rapped in loneliness. It is painful. So, this is my official cry out to Jesus and whoever else is listening. I am broken and in need of help. I need you to come and wrap your arms around me and cover me in your love and grace and mercy. s the world surrounds me and tells me how unlovable and broken I am please come in and rescue me from these lies that I find so easy to believe and at times want to because at least than they would explain somethings about me and i would understand why I am left to feel this way. The world crashes around me and tells me to be this way, feel such way and look such a way. I can not be it but I want to so much and this is part of the conflict. It hurts inside and in turn I hurt myself (not physically but metaphorically) just wanting to feel anything and it is exhausting. The prayer seems pointless because I wonder if you eve want to hear what I have to say. I know that you want to know of the studies I try to have and of how hard it can be trying to preach your word. where I find myself doubting is that you really want to know of the pains of my heart. the things that should be insignificant in a world such as this. with s much hurt and pain I feel that i should deal with feeling alone. I know this is not true but it goes back to all I struggle with, with feeling inconvenient and in the way and not worth the trouble it takes to help. So instead I just sit back and hope that you will ask me how I am doing. I just want to know that you care to know enough to invest in this relationship. I just don't want to be hurt. So, here I am. I am going to lay myself open in front of your throne. Here I am and empty and broken mess in need of some rebuilding. So can we start over, please, i need that in order to be ok. I need your forgiveness and love and you ability t give the peace that only comes from you.. I have messed up so much in these few years with you and I just, I know that I do not deserve what you are giving me, but I beg and plead and now accept your yes. i know I will need to do the same in the morning because it is just to hard for me to believe this is true. gracias porque tu eres lo mejor novio y no necesito mas en vida, pero tu sabes. que yo quieres entonces you necesito orar por eso tambien. yo necesito hacer una lista y y yo quiero la fe para saber to vas a hacer eso para mi en futuro. pero no mucho tiempo en futuro por favor.