my God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God can not do!!!

This year has definitely been more crazy than I could have ever imagined. I left for Mexico a little under a year ago. I have learned another language, lived in to different homes. Made many new friends, loved deeper and harder than imagined and am now living about an hour away from the most affected city with the swine virus. 

So, we have been cautioned to stay home as much as possible. avoid kisses and handshakes, avoid public transportation, which is our only option and stay away form those who could be sick. Life is strange. but, it is giving Amanda, Andrew and I great quality time. 

Right now it is really hot so I am gonna go take a cool shower and try to cool down. i will do my best to keep you better posted during this time. Thanks for the love and support. 

I don't sleep well anymore and this has many horrible repercussions that come with it. I am really emotional. More so than normal, but I harbor it and just cry to myself. I don't deal well. Loneliness can seem suffocating. I am working through that though. It has made me distant and I want to fix that.

We have a new building. I hope to post pictures somewhere soon. It has two classrooms and a main room and two bathrooms. I had full creative rights on the babies room and I am so happy with it but, it is definitely not done yet. I was so happy b/c in addition to Andrew helping, Ashley, Zane and Brettin came and helped me. It was so great.

Growing up has been hard and making decisions, even harder. but, I am so blessed and I know it and I just need to start living every moment like this is so. I am reading Redeeming Love right now and it is so great. It bring out a lot of emotions within me but, mostly of just hpw much I can not wait to find my special someone and start a life together. I think thats why god doesn't let me date, I will fall head over heels for the next guy and be married in like three months (ok, gross over-exaggeration but still....) I still need sometime single. So yea. 

Andrew and Amanda are sick and I am exhausted, So, I am gonna go watch a movie and spend sometime enjoying living in Mexico. 

I think this is just too hard. I am trying to speak truth into my life and the lives of others. In two incidences it has been really great. I have done what I know to fix broken relationships. Its hard and it hurts and in some parts it makes me more vulnerable than I would prefer. God is teaching me a lot in the past few days and it is rough. I am just not dealing well...... with time, thank you God.

I need to go work on the newsletter now, I have put this off for too long.

finally

I haven't been here for awhile. honestly, i forgot about it. I wish I hadn't though. I have so much to say and feel so much. It has been a rough past few weeks and just when I feel that I am over it, I learn that I am not. I have felt so alone lately. rapped in loneliness. It is painful. So, this is my official cry out to Jesus and whoever else is listening. I am broken and in need of help. I need you to come and wrap your arms around me and cover me in your love and grace and mercy. s the world surrounds me and tells me how unlovable and broken I am please come in and rescue me from these lies that I find so easy to believe and at times want to because at least than they would explain somethings about me and i would understand why I am left to feel this way. The world crashes around me and tells me to be this way, feel such way and look such a way. I can not be it but I want to so much and this is part of the conflict. It hurts inside and in turn I hurt myself (not physically but metaphorically) just wanting to feel anything and it is exhausting. The prayer seems pointless because I wonder if you eve want to hear what I have to say. I know that you want to know of the studies I try to have and of how hard it can be trying to preach your word. where I find myself doubting is that you really want to know of the pains of my heart. the things that should be insignificant in a world such as this. with s much hurt and pain I feel that i should deal with feeling alone. I know this is not true but it goes back to all I struggle with, with feeling inconvenient and in the way and not worth the trouble it takes to help. So instead I just sit back and hope that you will ask me how I am doing. I just want to know that you care to know enough to invest in this relationship. I just don't want to be hurt. So, here I am. I am going to lay myself open in front of your throne. Here I am and empty and broken mess in need of some rebuilding. So can we start over, please, i need that in order to be ok. I need your forgiveness and love and you ability t give the peace that only comes from you.. I have messed up so much in these few years with you and I just, I know that I do not deserve what you are giving me, but I beg and plead and now accept your yes. i know I will need to do the same in the morning because it is just to hard for me to believe this is true. gracias porque tu eres lo mejor novio y no necesito mas en vida, pero tu sabes. que yo quieres entonces you necesito orar por eso tambien. yo necesito hacer una lista y y yo quiero la fe para saber to vas a hacer eso para mi en futuro. pero no mucho tiempo en futuro por favor.