In honor of Todd

If I could sit down with five different, deceased people and eat dinner with them and pick their brain who would it be.

1.) Jesus (of course)
2.) Paul the apostle (find out really what that thorn in his flesh was.)
3.) Martian Luther King Jr.
4.) Jim Elliot
5.) C.S. Lewis

I think that will do. It might change someday.

back where i came from

So I am back at OC. It is a whole new world now. i didn't believe people, but they were right. I never realized how un-Christ focused i was and still tend to be. I miss prayer nights and Nooma videos. It has only been a few days. I want late night singing and talks about class. I want to talk less about people and more about Jesus. This is bad. I am bad. I need Jesus more than I. Is it possible to be the Christian I want to be while I am home. Can this girl that I desire to be co-exist in the world she used to live in. People know me different. Am i really so delusional that I thought everything would just fall right back into place......

although that is how I felt a few days ago I think I may be feeling a bit better now. IT took a few days for me to feel like it was home. Not that all is well or that I believe all is perfect but, it is getting better. Falling back into the role of Jennie here is weird.

I learned a lot since I have been home. I have little dedication and self motivation. I am a sinner. i am a struggler. I am a Christian and a disciple and a lover of Jesus. I am a tryer, I am a failure. I am a succeeder. I am Jennie bu hoping to someday discover my new name.

Why me and not you?

So I went to a Reformed Jewish Synagogue last night. It was extremely educational and I learned so much about where I had come from and the history behind the church. I ended up at a kids barmitzfah (sp) which ended up being a bit of an experience in and of its self. I am so happy to know how blessed I am. I was raised knowing about Jesus and how fantastic it is that God sent His son. I know that under the Law I deserved death but, Jesus has come to bring life and forgiveness and freedom. It was hard for me though to be there and to see all these people who believe in my god but, are missing out on life in Him. It mad me want to just run up and scream out all the blessings and joy that you can receive in Christ and in the grace that He offers. It want to go back. I want to make relationships. I want them to see Jesus in me. I want them to understand. I want to create friendships. Please pray that God does what He does best and just open doors to allow for some talks about Christ.

Also please pray for my knee. It still hurts real bad. I have been having to pop it a lot again and it feels like the cap is pulling away. So pray for healing without medication if possible.

"Daddy, thank you for being the God of the past, present and future. I want to serve you and be you, Let your love show through me so I can help in the advancement of your Kingdom. Thank you for loving me and for sending Jesus as my sacrifice that I can spend eternity with you. I love you."

Being Jesus

I have been so busy today but with the most amazing things. i went to a church that feeds homeless today. It was amazing. It was Tara and i and two AIM assaitants and Danny Hess. I met a woman who really needs Jesus. She was an extremely co-dependent woman who was jsut not ready to move past that yet. Her name was Gina. I got to see Jesus in her today. It was fantastic. I love how empowering Christ is. I have no fear of hwo people might react. I find myself fearingso little. I know satan has some power but I am aware that my Jesus is so much bigger and I will be ok. I thinkI want to go back next week, Tara and i are discussing it. But only a small group to many people would really ruin what is being done we think.

Also, I went out for coffee tonight. I met two neat kids who have really been burned by religion. I want to help people like that. I made a really good voncersation out of solittle.I take that back Jesus did.

I talked to Sarah Reach today about just meeting people and getting over ourselves. I told her once i just started seeing people as people who needed to be loved it makes it so much easier. I really want to be Jesus, to see people where they really are. To meet people where they are at. I am intrested to see how it goes.

Also, I have a friendship that is weird and I know that only Jesus knows how to fix it. I am just not sure what to do. The oppurtunity to fix it is not present. Pray that god opens doors. Pray he provides anwsers.

Pray for my time with Jesus to become more clear. Pray for God to provide anwsers.
Also, pray that God provides support. I am deeply lacking in that department.

I wish I could begin to make you understand my life as it is right now. I am the busiest I have ever been in my whole lif. i am in class most of the day andworking on homework a load of the time. I am happy though. In my illness I am happy. In my emptyness I am happy. In my elarning I am happy. In my brokeness i am happy. God is using me, shaping and shifting and molding and changing me.

I had a moment on Saturday where i just felt happy. I felt likeI was where I needed to be, i was happy. I felt liek God had truly placed me here for a reason. I knew I was where i needed to be.
I am learning so much and jsut happy.

I miss OKC a lto though. I have been having a hard time calling home though because everytime I feel like I get off the phone I feel like I have left a piece of my heart behind. I am sorry for my lack of communication. i know this is different than how I sadi i would be but, i never antcipated life being liek this, it is a bit nuts. Pleaseunderstandthat I do truly miss you. Please understand that you hold a very important place in my heart. Please understand that this does notmean I am too busy for you but since I do not ahve a phone right now and am constantly busy it mkes it hard to find the balance i need. I hopr to have it a bit more figured out here in the enar future. call me and leave a message if you need to. Icheck the messages fairly often and call back when i get a chance. I love you though

Talk to me though. Don't forget me. Shoot me e-mails and such. I love that. Keep me up to ddate on what is going on in your life, I like that, I need that.

God remains faithful

Even when I am faithless. All worked out with my new. I am on a few medications to straighten things out. I am so happy and I have not felt this way ina long time. More to come soon but now i need to get ready for class.

Worry

So I have been stressed out a whole bunch lately. There are many things that factor into this butin the large scheme I am scared taht if I have this MRI it is going to say that I am to hurt to complete this program and that I need to go home and have surgery. So I have been having to work through all the emotions that are involved with that in addition to keeping up with school work and getting enough sleep and dealing with doctors on the phone and balancing some form of a social life. (I have never had friend before I moved here who have told me"lets just play it by ear" I think I hate that line as much as I hate "be flexible," "after AIM" and "bummer")

Some good things have come out of this though. I met with Ben Walker yesterday, the AIM counselar, and he told me to make a worry journal. I am only allowed to worry for 30 minutes a day. I must find an alone place and write down all my worries for 30 minutes than I am to pray over them and shut the book and I am not allowed to open it again until the next day for my "worry session." At other points in the day when I catch myself worrying I have to focus on something else that the Lord has blessed me with. I will eventually trainmy mind to only allow myself to think about worrying when I allow myself to. I think this may help. I am going to start this afternoon/eveningish.

I made my first newsletter last night I am really excited to get to mail those out soon. I need e-mail addresses so i can send some of them out that way and save on postage and trees.

I am happy though. I am about to go to the doctor to set up the MRI. I think when the MRI is done and I know something for sure and I have a goal I am working towards that will help me out a lot.

Also I lost my cell phone but we are working on it.

Christ's bond servant,

California...... here we ccccooommmmeee

I am leaving tomorrow morning for cali for aweek. I am more than stoked. I get to spend tomorrow night in wyoming than tuesday in Idaho falls and this Cali for wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and than I come home Sunday after church. i havevery little idea as to what I will actually be doing there butI do know that god has greatthings in store. I do knowthat I get to spend Thurs. in San Franciso. I am hopin to get to go to china town I think that would be amazing. Be looking forward to some hopefully great pictures.

i miss OC a whole lot. i got a care package fromsome of the mostamazing friends a girl could ask for and insted of doing the normal excited thing i wept. i really began to miss my friends a whole lot. i have been workingthrough those emotions hardcore though.

I hurt my knee way bad last week. I was crutches for two days and now I am on knee braces and I have some pain killers and muscle relaxers. It hurts and I might have to have a MRI when I get back from Cali. Please pray for my knee during this next week of travel and so on.

Well I have a newsletter and a few other very important things to do before I leave in less than 8 hours. Pray for our travel and safety and for the word of God to be heard.

LIghtning

I sat outside tonight with some amazing people. We sat under the cloudy sky and watched the lightning trace off in the distance. I have finally found it. Iam so happy. I have found happyness in chaos and confusion. I am so excited. things are fallin into place. I Like AIM today. I like my roommates and neighbors. i like classes. I loke meals and singing. I am truly happy. Come seeme here. Come worship with my class.

wow

things are a lot busier here than i ever expected. people told me so but i honstly had no idea how serious they were. I rarely have time to call people from back home. I am constantly exhausted and have begun to wonder if i could find a way to had about 4 more hours in between 5 and 6 am.

Trip this weekend showed very intresting. We got started leaving late becsueour bus wouldnt start sothan borrow a bus from a man who goes to Sunset so we dont leave till 930. weget to Borger just in time to misslunch and as soon as I get in there I see a girl of aobut 12 asking an older boy how to make another girlstop crying. I step in and ask where she is and decided i might bebetterequipped than this boy is. Her and I talk for a bit and I think it helped.

I met some amazing peopl though and got to talk to another girl about why I went to AIM. It was a bit stressful since i only had like 5 minutes. But that is another story foranother time. We than headed on to Canadian when our bus breaks down on the side of the road in the middle of supposedly no where when a family pulls over to help us. they go and buy everything weneed to fix the bus and soem water and refuse to let us pay them back *God is so neat*. So insteadof getting to Canadian at 7 weget there at 915.

I will tell the rest later now I need to go get ready for class.

1st AIM trip

I shall be leaving for Canadian, Tx in somewhere near an hour. Half of the class is going. We are stopping in some city about 3 hours from here and will be at some youth rally and represting AIM and hopefully just having a great time. I am pumped. We will leave there around 6 to be in Canadian that night so wecan spend a few hours at their community center and hang out and paly games. Wewill thanstay with host families and go to church the next morning, stay for a potluck and then book it back here for night church.

I need to go finish getting ready but i will tell you all about my trip when I get back.

Lubbock, my new home

I am here. I know this much is true because I have been able to witness God work somuch in just these first few days. It is amazing to me how close you can become to 55 other people and "it is only Tuesday."


We finally finished orientation today and the real classes begin tomorrow. I have a busy week ahead of me from what I can tell. I am going on a roadtrip this weekend to Canadian, Tx with half of my class and am going to spend the night and I am going to have a blast. I am more than stoked. I have worshiped with my class so many times and it is always amazing.

We have chapel every morning before class with all the SIBI students and yesterday the speaker was really great but what was most amazing was hearing the Great Commision read inhwat I believe wasover 25 different languages. I was amzed and how great and diverse God is and overcoem with joy with the work I know he will send me out to do. God continually proves himself faithful with things I would have never even known to ask for. I am so happy. i am so blessed. I am so excited that God made the desicion for me to come here. I wish to all who read this that you were able to be on this amazing roller coaster ride with me. My faith has changed so much in only 4 days.

Please continue to pray for me and my fellow classmates and we (with God at the forefront) turn this whole world upside down.

18 hours and counting...

We want to be on the rode by 7:30 four out 8ish hour journey.

I was asked yesterday what my expectations were for AIM. Its funny because I went to OC with all these thoughts about how it would be going with all these people I knew and quickly discovered that it really did not matter. I know that it takes time to adjust anywhere. I know things are never quite what they seem I know there will be days that I will not want to be around anyone and know there will be days where I will not want to be alone. I know I will miss OKC. I know I ill miss Tulsa. I know that i shall miss theater and late nights learning lines. I know i will miss painting. I know I will miss late IHOP nights and breaking the rules watching movies real late in my apartment. I will miss concerts of all types and watching others perform. I will miss the piano and voice lessons. I will miss being useless in the scene shop.i will miss laundry songs and all.

What I look forward to is worship with my class. Studying with people for a common goal. i look forward to Bible classes with people who actually want to be there. I look forward to growing deeper in my knowledge of Jesus and the Bible and in who I am and who I want to be. I look forward to morning runs and cooking in my apartment. I look forward to new friends and hopefully some old ones starting over. I look forward to traveling and I look forward to trusting God to provide what I need. I look forward to my new roommates and new memories.

I don't know if I am ready I don't know what to expect. I am scared to death yet excited and maybe even a bit neutral ad sort of numb. I do not know if I can begin to express on this thing all i feel. I o know that I need prayers. i do now that I am not ready yet. I do know that the Jesus in me is though. So pray for me. Pray that God provides.

I am exhausted...
I have given all I know how to give...
I want to be filled with Jesus...
I want to spend time alone with Him...
I feel my world slipping out from under me...
I feel my patience running thin...
I feel a war raging inside of me...
I need to be refilled again...

I wish I knew all the answers...
I wish I had enough time...
I feel like my life is a constant circle...
I worry that the answers I seek...
are nowhere near by...



It might be the lack of sleep, or the no alone time, or the stress of moving, or the stress of having no home. It might be the want for my mom, my tow best friends, or stability, or the desire to be closer to Jesus in a more consistent way. Whatever it is that is plaguing me I am not so completely sure yet. I know I want to believe that Jesus has the power to mend broken relationships I think I am just to impatient to see it. I am tired just pray for me.

I move in about 56 hours who would have ever thought that would come so soon. I am so ready yet more scared than I can even express.

Getting ready to leave

I love it because few people even know that you currently exist. I write what I want about how I feel. I believe this thought is going to be multiple posts though.

Goodbyes have been way rough lately. I said goodbye to Jason T. and that man made me weep, he hugged me and prayed for me and made mention of being a father figure. I cried real hard. Michelle was good for me, we did the see ya later game and refused to make a big deal, same with Derek and Randy and Candice. Michael has proved the hardest thus far. So I have said goodbye to my two best friends and a few other people as well, lets pray this week is maybe a little less emotional ( I doubt it, but a girl can dream. Right?)

On to the other thing I need to/want to/am honored to do.

God,
prayer is one of those things I don't fully understand and am so blessed to know that I do not have to. I pray for the friend who still wants to remain vague. I know it is what they need. I know that time will reveal answers but, Lord could you please reveal them quickly. I want them to be OK, I know you are faithful and perform things in you way. Lord, guard their heart and keep them from being hurt. Take away the worry/fear/doubt/lack of understanding. Help me to be the friend I need to be the way I need to be. This seems to be harder for me than I thought it would be. I know you are faithful so do what you do best and answer my prayer. Thank you for sending Jesus without whom this communication would not be as easy. I thank you for knowing what I mean when the words do not make sense. Thank you God for forgiveness, grace, mercy and love.
Amen

I am feeling a bit relieved

I wish I had the time to sit doewn and explain everything i have learned in the past week. BUt wow, I am at ease in my spirit. The flesh it fighting it hates this decision but my spirit it calm. I hope to one day make these tow conmplete having them act as one but for now I am just happy that I can tell them apart. We had a pre-aimer metting today and man did I need that. SOmetime with those I am going with and remembering why I want to go was very refreshing.

I am nt going lie or say that I am dillusional enough to believethis is going to be easy for me. the transition or schoolwork or the goodbyes, but one day at a time is all I need to do. Today has enough worries of its own.

Tonight is the last college thing I know of before I leave. Today I must worry about fruit pizzas and last details in planning and packing for my super exciting trip to six flags tomorrow. I am stoked and need the time away form this state with just a few friends.

Oh, i hate the word goodbye. It feels so Final, so end all. I need a better word abetter way to say it. We shall see. I will come up with one though.

Well I am happy. I can not wait. Yea for texas in about 9 days this time I should be nearing Lubbock. Pray for me. I shall need all I can get. Pray for the adjustment and the finaces. I am lacking a great deal sitll.

Well I finsih me out with love to all who read

Everlasting Friend

New Blog for New Adventure

I am moving in less than two weeks. This timein wo weeks I am an offical AIM student. Tonight is my birthday/goodbye party.



Life isstrangeand there are alot of tears. Some of happiness, others of completel fear and insecurity. I amintresting to dealwith and constantly emotionally on edge. I am good though. Iam great though.



I just moved my best friendin to OKC today. it si weird knowing that we shall besayinggoodbye soon.



I also may have changed my mind on bestfriends. More on that silly tangent some other time.



Please continue to pray for me. I have been alittle weird. So also please forgive me for my insanity.