It has been hard to motivate myself to get out of bed today. I feel like all I want to do is lay still. I want to soak in today an all its noises. I want to breath in everything that is Tuesday. Today is a new day. I am having a hard time feeling it but I am going to believe in it and trust in it. I have a God who is beyond amazing. i have a God who knows the future. My faith feels very very weak right now. Holding on seems very hard. I trust though that you have a plan, I trust that you are bigger than me. i don't know why I trust. Some part of me doesn't even want to, but I know that all other choices fail so strongly in comparison to God and who He is.

What a rough week this has been so far. i felt felt almost every emotion across the board. It has been so bad i have started to make myself sick. I think what is worse is I just took two days of personal time so i should be fine and I really shouldn't take another. I know that probably wouldn't be best anyways. SO, I think I am going to try and go by Aidee's house and spend some time with her. than go to starbucks and than head on to Doug and Sandy's to get ready for group.

I also might be in trouble. there was a bit of a mis-communication on Sunday and I think I messed up real bad. I don't know. I thought i was doing the right thing. I wasn't trying to be a rule breaker. i don't think i was. I just got caught in Mexico City (DF). I was told to stay that it was easier but, I guess that it was not communicated with everyone else. i don't know.

This week might kill me. I am learning a lot and I know it willbe better in time... but I really need some time.

I wish it were better

i wish I knew what to do. i wish I knew how to feel. i wish this wasn't so hard. The more I want to heal the more I hurt. It feels like my gut is in constant pain. My head hurts and I fee; like tears to often. why is it this way? Why do I feel like the only one who feels this way? i know I have people to talk to and I do but it really does not help. I finish the tears and pretend it is all OK because I really don't know what else to do. It is really just something I have to deal with, something I have to learn to trust in. I am not good at that I guess. i think I just haven't really figured out the secret. I think I should pray more.

but in other news. pray for Aidee, she hurt herself and is in a neck brace for 15 days. i don't really know the details but I am going over to her place tomorrow for an English class so than i am hoping to get the details.

I am going to Mexico City this weekend, I am hoping to figure out somethings. I have never felt so blach about something as I do right now.


It will be OK, I know it will be. I just know and believe and maybe if I say it enough I will honestly believe it.

ramble

so. It will be four months here next Tues. I think that is just plain crazy. I have all these feelings and desires of things to do and it is weird but, you know what that strongest thought I feel is? Lonely. I feel so lonely. It's silly. People just say this gives you time to be in a relationship with Jesus, but see I am just not sure that He feels that void. that sounds so awful when I read what i wrote but, I just am not sure He is supposed to. Adam walked with God in the garden but, God knew that would not be enough and gave him Eve. He had pre-anticipated it all. So, I am the only single one on the team and really out of the people I hang out with and it is hard. I don't know. that's is i think....

Home again.

well, we got back around 540 from Acapulco. It was amazing. I soaked up tons of sun and had so much fun.

Wednesday when we got in i was really nervous about what all could go wrong. my biggest fear was that the hotel wouldn't actually exist.but luckily it did. so we got checked in and than got changed and headed to the beach. We at at this little place with pretty crummy food and were scouted by people to by everything under the sun. we than went to this island and and swam in the ocean. water was calm and beautiful. Rudy and I rode a jet ski, it was my first time. we than went back to the hotel and swam in the pool, got showered up went to the mall for dinner at Applebee's and by the time we got home we were all so exhausted we went to sleep.

Thursday- woke up and had breakfast at the hotel that was so good. than went to find the bungee jump. when we got there it wasn't opened yet so we went to the beach near it. It was really strong and kind of scary. the people there were a bit crude and we had a few uncomfortable moments. but since this is a family appropriate blog I will leave that out. but no real serious problems. we than went to the bungee. I had no plans of jumping but my team is really convincing.


after that we went to a different part of the beach that was a bit more calm. I rode a different jet ski with Rudy and than he let me drive for a bit. It was crazy. We than went home Rudy and I swam and than we all ate dinner at the hotel. than we went to this rock diving show that was insane. I went back to the hotel and used the Internet and than went to bed.

Friday we did breakfast and went back to the island. It rained and we swam in it anyways. ate there and than went back to the hotel. i swam with Rudy than got ready and went to the mall we went and saw taken and than ate at burger king. after that we went to Starbucks and than Beck to the hotel.

over all it was a great vacation. BUT... oh my gosh i am so tired. But i loved the trip. It was fantastic

Here

so i am sitting a Starbucks and I love it here. i walked in and they asked me if I want what I usually get and I say... um... I don't think so its cold. he than says how about having it warm. I was like sure, why not. than the girl walks up to get my drink hearing nothing but the size and automatically goes for the cold cup it was fun for me. I have a place where they know me by name. It is not as good as shades but it will do for now. also when I was walking in i saw one of the guys who works here and he kissed my check and than said something i didn't really understand. I told him my Spanish wasn't very good and he argued me and said I understand so much. It was neat. It made me smile.

this week has been nuts. We had friends day at church on Sunday and had 72 PEOPLE THERE!!!!!!!! the most we have ever had. It was awesome. I didn't go into service though. There was a boy there who was mentally challenged so i sat outside with him and than took pictures of service and class. More on this in the soon future. it was great. there was also this lady there with her five sons. So i invited them over later for swimming and pizza, here and her five sons. Including the AIMers we had 16 people but it was a blast and I think they are considering coming to small group this week since we won't have it this week because us AIMers are going to..... ACAPULCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so stoked. four days on the beach with just my other three teammates it should be great.

Amanda and I moved today and I am exhausted. WE also have no gas so I am not sure how I am going to get to shower but, it will all work out. I am almost completely unpacked... to turn around and repack.

I decided that I am going to Georgia in May for the wedding. he is my best friend and he wants me there, I want to be there.

i miss my family. I miss them so much. Blair is my joy and even just thinking about him makes me so happy and so sad all in the same breath.

I think Jean Michele enjoyed group a lot. He told his mom that the had tons of fun. this makes me so excited. how cool that Jean Pierre is easing up to us.

I leave for Lubbock in like 29 days... Popeye's here I come.

Oh also, Id decided to not write a newsletter this month. I am going to to a video instead. Pictures and what not.

My thoughts are all over the place. I like it, I am so happy.