finally

I haven't been here for awhile. honestly, i forgot about it. I wish I hadn't though. I have so much to say and feel so much. It has been a rough past few weeks and just when I feel that I am over it, I learn that I am not. I have felt so alone lately. rapped in loneliness. It is painful. So, this is my official cry out to Jesus and whoever else is listening. I am broken and in need of help. I need you to come and wrap your arms around me and cover me in your love and grace and mercy. s the world surrounds me and tells me how unlovable and broken I am please come in and rescue me from these lies that I find so easy to believe and at times want to because at least than they would explain somethings about me and i would understand why I am left to feel this way. The world crashes around me and tells me to be this way, feel such way and look such a way. I can not be it but I want to so much and this is part of the conflict. It hurts inside and in turn I hurt myself (not physically but metaphorically) just wanting to feel anything and it is exhausting. The prayer seems pointless because I wonder if you eve want to hear what I have to say. I know that you want to know of the studies I try to have and of how hard it can be trying to preach your word. where I find myself doubting is that you really want to know of the pains of my heart. the things that should be insignificant in a world such as this. with s much hurt and pain I feel that i should deal with feeling alone. I know this is not true but it goes back to all I struggle with, with feeling inconvenient and in the way and not worth the trouble it takes to help. So instead I just sit back and hope that you will ask me how I am doing. I just want to know that you care to know enough to invest in this relationship. I just don't want to be hurt. So, here I am. I am going to lay myself open in front of your throne. Here I am and empty and broken mess in need of some rebuilding. So can we start over, please, i need that in order to be ok. I need your forgiveness and love and you ability t give the peace that only comes from you.. I have messed up so much in these few years with you and I just, I know that I do not deserve what you are giving me, but I beg and plead and now accept your yes. i know I will need to do the same in the morning because it is just to hard for me to believe this is true. gracias porque tu eres lo mejor novio y no necesito mas en vida, pero tu sabes. que yo quieres entonces you necesito orar por eso tambien. yo necesito hacer una lista y y yo quiero la fe para saber to vas a hacer eso para mi en futuro. pero no mucho tiempo en futuro por favor.

speechless

So. I have been sick for about 17 days now. First I had a cold and than and infection that back to a cold and than my acid reflux flared and raged and now I can not speak. I am on personal assigned vocal rest until I can not feel sore to talk. New puppy makes that hard though b/c she is so stinking difficult.
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I sit at home today watching Romeo and Juliet. I am being such a girl. I am in the love phase. I am enamored by it. It is very unlike me. I am trying to understand romance and why it exist and how. It is weird.

I am doing things like a good Mexican. I got the water received and had than stand set up. I got the gas set up and the gas tank lit.

I am going to go to Starbucks today and read. There is not much else that i can do today. Oh and i think some friends are coming over to watch Elf tonight. This makes me feel all happy and Christmas-y

I got a care package from a supporting congregation. It made me smile.

The team hung out at Nancy's store until late. It was great.

I am so stinking exhausted. It is awful. I slept about 8 1/2 hours but I am so tired. being sick is the worst.

I have a puppy!!!!

Here name is Bela. She is stinking cute. She is a little beyond puppydom but man, she is still very much a puppy. She is intrigued by my toes. She pounces them so I have to wear socks at all times. She is not house broken so that is a patience tryer for both Amanda and I. The boys have been great to. They just moved upstairs like two days ago and so they are claiming the dog as well. They call her our dog, it is way cute. Ben says we can't keep her indefinitely and that makes me sad.
See, I cam home on Tuesday night and she was just sitting in front of my apartment door. I couldn't just leave her there. SO I told Amanda that God had given us a dog. We asked our neighbors and no one knew who she belonged to. SO we told one of the apartment workers that we had her in case anyone comes looking for her. NO one has yet. S for now, she is ours.

My vacation in other parts of Mexico was simply amazing. I spent like a whole week with the Thornton's which made me so happy.I could not have asked for a better thanksgiving. It makes me so happy. Took tons and tons of pictures and saw so many things. I laughed hard and cried hard. I pent time with some AIMers I hadn't seen since April so what was way cool. I stayed with the Guadalajara girls for a little while and they were so sweet. Making me breakfast and just amazing.

I talked with Aaron a lot. I knew I had missed him but, I had no idea how much. He makes me so happy. It was good to be with "tio Aaron" again.

I talked with Brian. It was really nice. I think I lost a lot of bitterness and resentment I had held towards him. I don't even think I was so aware that I was mad until I saw him and than there as the anger. But, we talked and not really even about why I was mad, we just talked. IT was like old times and I just felt better.

The retreat was amazing. I always learn a lot when Jason and Heather are speaking and this time was no different. They amaze me. They are so in tune with God and His word and it just flow or radiates from them.

The last morning I was talking to Jason about how my ministry had felt really empty. I didn't really want to go to the retreat because I didn't want to tell people that I don't really do much. He was so good though and talked to me about how in the secular word when you are a chef the owner will come in and ask you about what all you have done, how many dishes you have served, where they satisfied, was it hot, things of that nature. And if you have little to share you could loose your job. but in the Christian world. In the realms of ministry, God comes in and just asks me "did you stay in the kitchen, when a costumer came in, did you take the opportunity and do your best" I was so amazed. that was a great relief ( I apologize if that makes no sense, I will never say it as amazingly as he did)

It is amazing though because two nights ago I was leaving Starbucks and got into a talk with a worker there. He asked me about my beliefs and why I believe them. He really is beyond the beliefs of some philosopher I have never heard of. So we made a deal. I will read the stuff from this philosopher that he prints off for me if, he is will o sit down and study the bible. He said yes, So, he is putting together a list of questions for me, and we are going to study them. I am stoked.

I think that is it for now.... oh yea. I am going to a metal show tonight, August Burns Red. I am stoked. I am going to get knocked around.

SO I almost have enough money for the Mac. I am like less than $100 short but I still do not have what I need for the retreat. I am really hoping to go up to Guadalajara early to see the Thornton's but it is going to cost me a little extra and I am not sure I can afford that. I really miss them and it would be really nice spend a little bit of time with them before they get bombarded by everyone else. They want to take me to the zoo. I might get to go to the zoo with my family!!! I really miss Eli and Julia.

I talked to my mom last night. It was horrible. We see things so differently. I fear I will never make her happy. I fear that she will never view me a someone who should call them self a Christan. I am always saying or acting the wrong way and she always views me as worse than I am. I am trying really hard to not exaggerate the situation. I jut left it feeling really crappy. I think we came to a good conclusion though. I told her that when i want her advice I am going to ask for it. But otherwise just listen to my story. Sometimes I need to fail on my own let me live and learn. I am 21 and I am trying really hard to be right before God but, I feel like she never sees that. I don't know. I love her and I really miss her and as I write this I am incapable of not crying. I miss her and Blair so much. I hat being a big sister who has no part n her little brothers life. Being so far away from him as he grows up is killing me. I just wish I could see him.

I am still working on flight stuff.... well my dad his. He has been really helpful these past few weeks with working on getting me home and helping me raise money for the computer. I don't have the heart to talk to him about the money for the retreat. So, we will see what God will do through other peoples help.

I miss Michelle. I really miss here. I hope to get to see her in the nearish future.

I am going to an August Burns Red concert in December. Ben told us that the someone could go if we all went. So i am going. Not that I am not excited but... dear gosh I am so poor.

007 was really good. I liked it a lot. I think i might be becoming a James Bond fan.

Twilight comes out on Friday and I think that Ashley might come down to see it with me. GIRLS NIGHT!!!!!

So life is crazy and I think I might just be a wreck. With time.

We are hoping to start working at this place called Casa Tatic(sp) it is a school that teaches street kids basic things of importance. Like brushing there teeth, washing there hands and things like that. I am hoping to go and teach some music and maybe some English and waterfowls they want. I am so excited. I am hoping to work with the toddler group but I would e happy with anything. I love children and I really miss working with them. so, this is just what I have been wanting. also we are still hoping to go look at that orphanage.

Ben is coming back today. I am ready to have him hee for a few days. We miss him. It will be ncie to have him around for a bit and to get to spend time with him. This week has been beyond uneventful. My computer is broken now and I I am really working on raising money to get a new one.

I miss you. iF you are reading this you are probably someone I miss. I have found myself very nostaligic recently. I keep remmeberng random things i did with random peple and getting sad. But i know God is in control and this too shall pass.

I have been hanging out with this girl named Gabby a whole lot and she is stinking awesome. It is nice to have a new friend. I get to see Jason and Heather and the kids in like a week and a half, YAY.

Working on flight stuff to go home in January lets just hope it workds out alright.

I think my team is going to help me get to the retreat, they are prettty awesome. I am blessed and lucky.

We are getting a new vonage box tonight. I am hopong to be in the phone world soonly.

SO... I am in my amazingly cute apartment watching Gilmore Girls with my amazingly awesome roommate/teammate/friend. i keep thinking that this can't be real. I mean I live in Mexico, it can not really be a reality. last week we had our five month aversiry here. I just am mind blown. I have a small group at my house I have friends and people I hang out with. I teach English at a school four days a week and teach two other private lessons and about to start teaching my third one. I have my place where I go read. I have my place where I am known by name.

Spanish is driving me crazy though. i hate it most of the time. It is exhausting and I suck at it. I am tired of being corrected so often. i wish I could function better and understand what people are saying to me. I feel so stupid so often and it makes me so angry. i feel like I am working my butt off all the time. I am out and about a lot. I try to talk to people and instead end up sounding like a moron.

I am working on being more up beat and positive. I seam to be failing a lot. the vonage phone is broken. I hate that.

Today was good though. Although Spanish makes me so angry. I am happy. I am working on a lot of things though.

hey

ok blog world...so i have sat down a few times to write and i feel like i am coming up short. i think culture shock is hitting real hard. I am going through a lot of motions just doing what i need to do. I have really been needing a day of complete nothingness. I want to watch lots of television and order a pizza and jsut be alone. Amanda is going out of town on Saturday so I am hoping I can get that soonish .

other stuff. the team has started teaching at a school. since the teachers are on strike and have been for awhile the parents are starting to get mad and are putting their kids back in school and hiring in teachers to work with the kids. it has been crazy though. i have gone three or four times now and each time it is completely different. I never know what age group i am teaching or what to prepare for. it is the 7th 8th and 9th grade there but i am pretty sure i have never taught the same class twice. I don't know. I find myself a bit stressed out and unproductive but yesterday a girl ran over and gave me a huge hug and told me she was happy to see me. that really helped if nothing else. we are also making friends with carlos, the other English teacher and that has been way cool.

i went to the states for a bit and that was real nice. we went for our recruiting trip and had so much fun. i am really praying that God sends a team our way. it would be so great to have people continue the work we are doing here.

i go to starbucks almost everyday. some days i get a discount and other days its free. i lvoe having my place. it like cheers "sometime you wanna go where everybody knows your name. and their always glad you came" but better b/c its coffee and tea not alchol.

I started reading more. I like to do that now. i need more good books though. that would be nice.

i ahve missed my family a lot this week. blair especially. i have his picture on my computer and he is jsut way to handsome for his own good.

a food friend asked me last night what i miss the most about the the states and i told him the people i have there. everything else fades in the wayside. it really is all about relationships.

i think i am getting sick or something.... hope that goes away soon.

i am finishing my august/September newsletter TOMORROW..... i really need to.

i think that is all...