SO I almost have enough money for the Mac. I am like less than $100 short but I still do not have what I need for the retreat. I am really hoping to go up to Guadalajara early to see the Thornton's but it is going to cost me a little extra and I am not sure I can afford that. I really miss them and it would be really nice spend a little bit of time with them before they get bombarded by everyone else. They want to take me to the zoo. I might get to go to the zoo with my family!!! I really miss Eli and Julia.

I talked to my mom last night. It was horrible. We see things so differently. I fear I will never make her happy. I fear that she will never view me a someone who should call them self a Christan. I am always saying or acting the wrong way and she always views me as worse than I am. I am trying really hard to not exaggerate the situation. I jut left it feeling really crappy. I think we came to a good conclusion though. I told her that when i want her advice I am going to ask for it. But otherwise just listen to my story. Sometimes I need to fail on my own let me live and learn. I am 21 and I am trying really hard to be right before God but, I feel like she never sees that. I don't know. I love her and I really miss her and as I write this I am incapable of not crying. I miss her and Blair so much. I hat being a big sister who has no part n her little brothers life. Being so far away from him as he grows up is killing me. I just wish I could see him.

I am still working on flight stuff.... well my dad his. He has been really helpful these past few weeks with working on getting me home and helping me raise money for the computer. I don't have the heart to talk to him about the money for the retreat. So, we will see what God will do through other peoples help.

I miss Michelle. I really miss here. I hope to get to see her in the nearish future.

I am going to an August Burns Red concert in December. Ben told us that the someone could go if we all went. So i am going. Not that I am not excited but... dear gosh I am so poor.

007 was really good. I liked it a lot. I think i might be becoming a James Bond fan.

Twilight comes out on Friday and I think that Ashley might come down to see it with me. GIRLS NIGHT!!!!!

So life is crazy and I think I might just be a wreck. With time.

We are hoping to start working at this place called Casa Tatic(sp) it is a school that teaches street kids basic things of importance. Like brushing there teeth, washing there hands and things like that. I am hoping to go and teach some music and maybe some English and waterfowls they want. I am so excited. I am hoping to work with the toddler group but I would e happy with anything. I love children and I really miss working with them. so, this is just what I have been wanting. also we are still hoping to go look at that orphanage.

Ben is coming back today. I am ready to have him hee for a few days. We miss him. It will be ncie to have him around for a bit and to get to spend time with him. This week has been beyond uneventful. My computer is broken now and I I am really working on raising money to get a new one.

I miss you. iF you are reading this you are probably someone I miss. I have found myself very nostaligic recently. I keep remmeberng random things i did with random peple and getting sad. But i know God is in control and this too shall pass.

I have been hanging out with this girl named Gabby a whole lot and she is stinking awesome. It is nice to have a new friend. I get to see Jason and Heather and the kids in like a week and a half, YAY.

Working on flight stuff to go home in January lets just hope it workds out alright.

I think my team is going to help me get to the retreat, they are prettty awesome. I am blessed and lucky.

We are getting a new vonage box tonight. I am hopong to be in the phone world soonly.

SO... I am in my amazingly cute apartment watching Gilmore Girls with my amazingly awesome roommate/teammate/friend. i keep thinking that this can't be real. I mean I live in Mexico, it can not really be a reality. last week we had our five month aversiry here. I just am mind blown. I have a small group at my house I have friends and people I hang out with. I teach English at a school four days a week and teach two other private lessons and about to start teaching my third one. I have my place where I go read. I have my place where I am known by name.

Spanish is driving me crazy though. i hate it most of the time. It is exhausting and I suck at it. I am tired of being corrected so often. i wish I could function better and understand what people are saying to me. I feel so stupid so often and it makes me so angry. i feel like I am working my butt off all the time. I am out and about a lot. I try to talk to people and instead end up sounding like a moron.

I am working on being more up beat and positive. I seam to be failing a lot. the vonage phone is broken. I hate that.

Today was good though. Although Spanish makes me so angry. I am happy. I am working on a lot of things though.

hey

ok blog world...so i have sat down a few times to write and i feel like i am coming up short. i think culture shock is hitting real hard. I am going through a lot of motions just doing what i need to do. I have really been needing a day of complete nothingness. I want to watch lots of television and order a pizza and jsut be alone. Amanda is going out of town on Saturday so I am hoping I can get that soonish .

other stuff. the team has started teaching at a school. since the teachers are on strike and have been for awhile the parents are starting to get mad and are putting their kids back in school and hiring in teachers to work with the kids. it has been crazy though. i have gone three or four times now and each time it is completely different. I never know what age group i am teaching or what to prepare for. it is the 7th 8th and 9th grade there but i am pretty sure i have never taught the same class twice. I don't know. I find myself a bit stressed out and unproductive but yesterday a girl ran over and gave me a huge hug and told me she was happy to see me. that really helped if nothing else. we are also making friends with carlos, the other English teacher and that has been way cool.

i went to the states for a bit and that was real nice. we went for our recruiting trip and had so much fun. i am really praying that God sends a team our way. it would be so great to have people continue the work we are doing here.

i go to starbucks almost everyday. some days i get a discount and other days its free. i lvoe having my place. it like cheers "sometime you wanna go where everybody knows your name. and their always glad you came" but better b/c its coffee and tea not alchol.

I started reading more. I like to do that now. i need more good books though. that would be nice.

i ahve missed my family a lot this week. blair especially. i have his picture on my computer and he is jsut way to handsome for his own good.

a food friend asked me last night what i miss the most about the the states and i told him the people i have there. everything else fades in the wayside. it really is all about relationships.

i think i am getting sick or something.... hope that goes away soon.

i am finishing my august/September newsletter TOMORROW..... i really need to.

i think that is all...

It has been hard to motivate myself to get out of bed today. I feel like all I want to do is lay still. I want to soak in today an all its noises. I want to breath in everything that is Tuesday. Today is a new day. I am having a hard time feeling it but I am going to believe in it and trust in it. I have a God who is beyond amazing. i have a God who knows the future. My faith feels very very weak right now. Holding on seems very hard. I trust though that you have a plan, I trust that you are bigger than me. i don't know why I trust. Some part of me doesn't even want to, but I know that all other choices fail so strongly in comparison to God and who He is.

What a rough week this has been so far. i felt felt almost every emotion across the board. It has been so bad i have started to make myself sick. I think what is worse is I just took two days of personal time so i should be fine and I really shouldn't take another. I know that probably wouldn't be best anyways. SO, I think I am going to try and go by Aidee's house and spend some time with her. than go to starbucks and than head on to Doug and Sandy's to get ready for group.

I also might be in trouble. there was a bit of a mis-communication on Sunday and I think I messed up real bad. I don't know. I thought i was doing the right thing. I wasn't trying to be a rule breaker. i don't think i was. I just got caught in Mexico City (DF). I was told to stay that it was easier but, I guess that it was not communicated with everyone else. i don't know.

This week might kill me. I am learning a lot and I know it willbe better in time... but I really need some time.

I wish it were better

i wish I knew what to do. i wish I knew how to feel. i wish this wasn't so hard. The more I want to heal the more I hurt. It feels like my gut is in constant pain. My head hurts and I fee; like tears to often. why is it this way? Why do I feel like the only one who feels this way? i know I have people to talk to and I do but it really does not help. I finish the tears and pretend it is all OK because I really don't know what else to do. It is really just something I have to deal with, something I have to learn to trust in. I am not good at that I guess. i think I just haven't really figured out the secret. I think I should pray more.

but in other news. pray for Aidee, she hurt herself and is in a neck brace for 15 days. i don't really know the details but I am going over to her place tomorrow for an English class so than i am hoping to get the details.

I am going to Mexico City this weekend, I am hoping to figure out somethings. I have never felt so blach about something as I do right now.


It will be OK, I know it will be. I just know and believe and maybe if I say it enough I will honestly believe it.

ramble

so. It will be four months here next Tues. I think that is just plain crazy. I have all these feelings and desires of things to do and it is weird but, you know what that strongest thought I feel is? Lonely. I feel so lonely. It's silly. People just say this gives you time to be in a relationship with Jesus, but see I am just not sure that He feels that void. that sounds so awful when I read what i wrote but, I just am not sure He is supposed to. Adam walked with God in the garden but, God knew that would not be enough and gave him Eve. He had pre-anticipated it all. So, I am the only single one on the team and really out of the people I hang out with and it is hard. I don't know. that's is i think....