Came home sick today. I have on of those headaches that makes you cranky. Light hurts, noise hurts, thinking hurts, breathing hurts, I am exhausted. I have stressed myself out to the point of illness.

I talked to a fried the other night and they asked me why I cry so often. they asked me why i fight with people so much. htey asked em what had changed in Lubbock from when I was at OC. I am not sure though. I honestly have no idea. I am a little worried though. Maybe i am jsut stressing out about stupid things.

Chris J likes me. he thinks I am neat and this makes me smile real lots. He is pretty swell and I way like his family as well.. I

growing

So today was a rough one. I cried a whole lot. I am flippin out a bit jsut trying to process being on a team. It has been a very rough past few days. i guess past week is more accurate. I have been alon with the rest of my team fighting illness. I don't know what all eveyrone had but i can tell youthat it was way unpleasent. All are much better than they have been though.

We had a hard team meeting on Friday night. There was talk of quiting the team and talk of leaving AIM from different people. this was exhausting but very valuable to be aware of where people are at.

I am beign stretched and grown and ripped apart. I feel like my eyes might just fall out of my head. I have ben crying and fighting and such. I got angry today. I got so mad i wanted to quit. I am not quitting though. I am so afraid of the unknown. i know god is faithful. I am working on being confident in that knowledge. god is faithful and will reveal His plan inhis due time.

I leave for Mexico in less than 70 hours. I am very excited to get there and to get to go to Cuernavaca fo=r a day and meet the last couple and to stay the ngiht and go to the church I will be attending in a few short months.

More on all fo this soon... but right nwo I desperately need to go clean.

God is breaking my heart. He is moving me into a place I had never seen myself going. I am moving to Mexico. To Mexico. With the most amazing team a girl could ask for. I am truly blessed. i am broken and blessed.

I am beautifully broken. I am been ripped down and torn apart. I have been shapped and molded. Ht Lord is my rock and my salvation. I am so happy.I am broken and blessed

GROSS!!!!!!

I feel gross and yucky and empty and blah. i feel helpless and confused and in desperate need of something more than what I have been doing. i know where my struggle lies and where it will continue to be. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. NO control. NO answers. NO one to confide in. NO one who understands.

I HATE SATAN!!!!!!!! I hate what he does to me. I hate how he makes me feel insecure and alone and empty. I hate that he knows my weakness and uses them. I hate him and all he is.

Well, this is it. This is the end. Jesus and I are going to fight. We will win. I am protected. I have someone who knows me better and completely and loves me unconditionally. I have someone who hold me tight and will never let me go. I have someone who has a plan mapped out for me and a desire for who i can be and i want to be on that path.

I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
,
I love who i can be in Him. I love who He allows me to be. I am waiting for Him. MY Prince, my beloved. My Savior. My God.

I choose to make him Lord of today. I choose to make Him Lord of now and my future.

Amen

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for you unconditional love.

I have no motivation. i am exhausted and tired. Weddings are tiring. I am not sure what i think anymore. I have had so much on my plate recently. I think i have emptied it all out. why do I do these things. why do I stay so busy. Why do I allow myself to over busy myself and make such little time for a God? I know the importance and value of prayer and bible reading and time with God yet i still constantly fight what H desires for me. I need some good Jesus time. i need o go spend some time at a coffee shop with no one else. I might hit up the library at school or go find a place where no one else is. I want bible study with someone. I want an impromptu praise and worship time.

I have been good thus far. I have broke no rules or messed this up. I for some reason was under the impression that this would be enough. Not doing the wrong thing does not surpass doing the right thing. I need to o the right thing. I need to do the best thing. i am gonna do better.

Clean Slate '08.... yea thats good but I like New Sate '08

In honor of Todd

If I could sit down with five different, deceased people and eat dinner with them and pick their brain who would it be.

1.) Jesus (of course)
2.) Paul the apostle (find out really what that thorn in his flesh was.)
3.) Martian Luther King Jr.
4.) Jim Elliot
5.) C.S. Lewis

I think that will do. It might change someday.

back where i came from

So I am back at OC. It is a whole new world now. i didn't believe people, but they were right. I never realized how un-Christ focused i was and still tend to be. I miss prayer nights and Nooma videos. It has only been a few days. I want late night singing and talks about class. I want to talk less about people and more about Jesus. This is bad. I am bad. I need Jesus more than I. Is it possible to be the Christian I want to be while I am home. Can this girl that I desire to be co-exist in the world she used to live in. People know me different. Am i really so delusional that I thought everything would just fall right back into place......

although that is how I felt a few days ago I think I may be feeling a bit better now. IT took a few days for me to feel like it was home. Not that all is well or that I believe all is perfect but, it is getting better. Falling back into the role of Jennie here is weird.

I learned a lot since I have been home. I have little dedication and self motivation. I am a sinner. i am a struggler. I am a Christian and a disciple and a lover of Jesus. I am a tryer, I am a failure. I am a succeeder. I am Jennie bu hoping to someday discover my new name.