God is breaking my heart. He is moving me into a place I had never seen myself going. I am moving to Mexico. To Mexico. With the most amazing team a girl could ask for. I am truly blessed. i am broken and blessed.

I am beautifully broken. I am been ripped down and torn apart. I have been shapped and molded. Ht Lord is my rock and my salvation. I am so happy.I am broken and blessed

GROSS!!!!!!

I feel gross and yucky and empty and blah. i feel helpless and confused and in desperate need of something more than what I have been doing. i know where my struggle lies and where it will continue to be. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. NO control. NO answers. NO one to confide in. NO one who understands.

I HATE SATAN!!!!!!!! I hate what he does to me. I hate how he makes me feel insecure and alone and empty. I hate that he knows my weakness and uses them. I hate him and all he is.

Well, this is it. This is the end. Jesus and I are going to fight. We will win. I am protected. I have someone who knows me better and completely and loves me unconditionally. I have someone who hold me tight and will never let me go. I have someone who has a plan mapped out for me and a desire for who i can be and i want to be on that path.

I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
,
I love who i can be in Him. I love who He allows me to be. I am waiting for Him. MY Prince, my beloved. My Savior. My God.

I choose to make him Lord of today. I choose to make Him Lord of now and my future.

Amen

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for you unconditional love.

I have no motivation. i am exhausted and tired. Weddings are tiring. I am not sure what i think anymore. I have had so much on my plate recently. I think i have emptied it all out. why do I do these things. why do I stay so busy. Why do I allow myself to over busy myself and make such little time for a God? I know the importance and value of prayer and bible reading and time with God yet i still constantly fight what H desires for me. I need some good Jesus time. i need o go spend some time at a coffee shop with no one else. I might hit up the library at school or go find a place where no one else is. I want bible study with someone. I want an impromptu praise and worship time.

I have been good thus far. I have broke no rules or messed this up. I for some reason was under the impression that this would be enough. Not doing the wrong thing does not surpass doing the right thing. I need to o the right thing. I need to do the best thing. i am gonna do better.

Clean Slate '08.... yea thats good but I like New Sate '08

In honor of Todd

If I could sit down with five different, deceased people and eat dinner with them and pick their brain who would it be.

1.) Jesus (of course)
2.) Paul the apostle (find out really what that thorn in his flesh was.)
3.) Martian Luther King Jr.
4.) Jim Elliot
5.) C.S. Lewis

I think that will do. It might change someday.

back where i came from

So I am back at OC. It is a whole new world now. i didn't believe people, but they were right. I never realized how un-Christ focused i was and still tend to be. I miss prayer nights and Nooma videos. It has only been a few days. I want late night singing and talks about class. I want to talk less about people and more about Jesus. This is bad. I am bad. I need Jesus more than I. Is it possible to be the Christian I want to be while I am home. Can this girl that I desire to be co-exist in the world she used to live in. People know me different. Am i really so delusional that I thought everything would just fall right back into place......

although that is how I felt a few days ago I think I may be feeling a bit better now. IT took a few days for me to feel like it was home. Not that all is well or that I believe all is perfect but, it is getting better. Falling back into the role of Jennie here is weird.

I learned a lot since I have been home. I have little dedication and self motivation. I am a sinner. i am a struggler. I am a Christian and a disciple and a lover of Jesus. I am a tryer, I am a failure. I am a succeeder. I am Jennie bu hoping to someday discover my new name.

Why me and not you?

So I went to a Reformed Jewish Synagogue last night. It was extremely educational and I learned so much about where I had come from and the history behind the church. I ended up at a kids barmitzfah (sp) which ended up being a bit of an experience in and of its self. I am so happy to know how blessed I am. I was raised knowing about Jesus and how fantastic it is that God sent His son. I know that under the Law I deserved death but, Jesus has come to bring life and forgiveness and freedom. It was hard for me though to be there and to see all these people who believe in my god but, are missing out on life in Him. It mad me want to just run up and scream out all the blessings and joy that you can receive in Christ and in the grace that He offers. It want to go back. I want to make relationships. I want them to see Jesus in me. I want them to understand. I want to create friendships. Please pray that God does what He does best and just open doors to allow for some talks about Christ.

Also please pray for my knee. It still hurts real bad. I have been having to pop it a lot again and it feels like the cap is pulling away. So pray for healing without medication if possible.

"Daddy, thank you for being the God of the past, present and future. I want to serve you and be you, Let your love show through me so I can help in the advancement of your Kingdom. Thank you for loving me and for sending Jesus as my sacrifice that I can spend eternity with you. I love you."

Being Jesus

I have been so busy today but with the most amazing things. i went to a church that feeds homeless today. It was amazing. It was Tara and i and two AIM assaitants and Danny Hess. I met a woman who really needs Jesus. She was an extremely co-dependent woman who was jsut not ready to move past that yet. Her name was Gina. I got to see Jesus in her today. It was fantastic. I love how empowering Christ is. I have no fear of hwo people might react. I find myself fearingso little. I know satan has some power but I am aware that my Jesus is so much bigger and I will be ok. I thinkI want to go back next week, Tara and i are discussing it. But only a small group to many people would really ruin what is being done we think.

Also, I went out for coffee tonight. I met two neat kids who have really been burned by religion. I want to help people like that. I made a really good voncersation out of solittle.I take that back Jesus did.

I talked to Sarah Reach today about just meeting people and getting over ourselves. I told her once i just started seeing people as people who needed to be loved it makes it so much easier. I really want to be Jesus, to see people where they really are. To meet people where they are at. I am intrested to see how it goes.

Also, I have a friendship that is weird and I know that only Jesus knows how to fix it. I am just not sure what to do. The oppurtunity to fix it is not present. Pray that god opens doors. Pray he provides anwsers.

Pray for my time with Jesus to become more clear. Pray for God to provide anwsers.
Also, pray that God provides support. I am deeply lacking in that department.