I have missed Jesus

I accidentally cut Him out of my ministry. I got so busy talking about Him to other people and doing the missionary thing that I had forgotten to incorporate Him in my life. I teach English class and talk with Alex about Him. I tell Aidee how powerful He is. I go to small groups and church but I had not spent time with him. Tonight i decided to finish the video sermon I tried to watch this morning. It was so great. It talked about having Jesus as your Shepard. I remembered why i am here. i remembered how much I lack but how great He is in me. I started listening to some worship services they have posted online. It has been great. Than i was talking to Zane online.

trueoreo12 (10:18:27 PM): tell me something good something true

SoarinEagles2005 (10:19:42 PM): Good funny or just all around good?

trueoreo12 (10:20:18 PM): all around good

SoarinEagles2005 (10:22:30 PM): You're not alone

trueoreo12 (10:23:30 PM): oh.... for some reason... that was what I needed tonight

It is so easy to let big truths slip my mind. I get so caught up in the vocabulary of church. I know I am not alone. It has been an overall good day. Because i have chosen to start and end it with Jesus.

perspective

I have begun to discover that perspective is everything. The way i perceive that exact situation someone else experiences with me. I guess to some extant i knew that but in reality it never really clicked. like my time here has been the exact same time as the rest of my team has had but we all feel so different.

i guess that isn't really what is on my mind right now. I am so brain trapped. I am doing the girl thing. I don't want to be a girl. I get flustered and distracted it is weird.

Motivation... where does it go. For some reason prayer feels so fake. i don't know. When I sit down to pray or to read it feels so forced like I have to b/c I am a missionary and that is just what we do. i don't know. That probably doesn't make since or makes me sound horrible and that is not what I want I just can't seem to make sense of it. I don't know. Sometimes I eel like he already knows what I want to say so why even bring it up. I don't know if that... oh I don't know. I feel so far away. he feels so far away. I don't know how to go back. i wish this made sense. I just have so many thoughts and I don't feel like it is a concept easily discussed. It scares people when you say you are struggling because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't feel there is an answer that can be given.

I miss singing in English. A lot. i am starting to wonder... people have love languages is it possible that we also have worship languages and if you aren't able to express your love language than you stat to feel distant from God. i am not sure, I should look into that thought some more.

last day

I have less than four hours of class. Afterwards I have to pack like a mad woman. I hate packing. It is so hard to motivate myself to do it.

This week just might kill me. I struggle a lot with doing the right thing. I struggle with keeping others accountable to things that i really do not feel is big deal. I want to do the right thing though. I feel we need to do the right thing. I know I am not perfect I know I screw up and I am not making excuses for me but although I fail some times I do not feel that it than cancels out my right to hold you accountable. Ii am trying. i want to be like Jesus and somethings I wonder..... I don't know this is hard. this is really hard for me.

Amanda and I talked last night while we were packing. She was saying how cool it is that we are friends now and how packing to move would just suck if we did not like each other. God is pretty cool that way. He knew what he was doing all alone even when I did not believe that He did.

I hate this feeling I have inside. I want to cry and scream and hit some one in the face. I am so exhausted an you are not making ti any better. You said it was your choice. you said you would take the blame and not hold us responsible. Now, you are so angry at us. I hate doing the right thing sometimes. I really suck at it. I hate trying to hold people accountable who have no care of right or wrong. I am trying so hard. I think I am done.

dos mas dias

I am in my house for the last two days. We are moving on Friday. I know I have an apartment i am just not sure when we can move into it. SO... for now we are moving but, I just do not to where at this exact movement. I will miss this house it is nice but the new place will be cheaper.

I am always tired and motivation is gone. I feel real empty inside like I am lacking something. It is weird.

ic ant seem to motivate myself to finish this post.. maybe later tonight/

No title seems sufficient to encompass all that is going on in my head. My eyes hurt from being on the edge of tears.

Yesterday the team and the Jenkins and Holcombs all went and at the mall. I had sushi, it was good. Afterwards we were being asked a lot of questions about housing and whatnot, I lost it. I tried so hard to not cry but... to no avail. So, Doug and Sandy took Amanda and I to find rent house posting. We found a few and Sandy made phone calls for us. We looked at one place today and it was really good. I wonder if we could bring down the price a bit though. We are also meeting with a realtor tomorrow. He seems really nice and I hope we can have something by Wednesday.

I now only have 12 hours of Spanish left.... YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! I feel exhausted though and kind of a weird frustrating hungry thing.

I miss you, I miss you a lot. It is kind of pathetic how this works. I wish you were here. You would hold me and reassure me it is all gonna be alright and for some strange reason I think I would trust you because you speak with such confidence and I feel safe. Even when I don't want to hear what you have to say I know you are usually right and for that. I know I am blessed.

still here

I finally got a good night sleep. i think I slept about 11 hours. I needed that so bad. Since we found out Sarah was leaving I have been sleeping horribly but, last night by the time we got home I way having trouble keeping my eyes open so by 1040, I was out.

Yesterday was good. Went to lunch with the team, went to wal-mart and hung out, went to plaza de cuernavaca and was bored stiff but I got this pina colada strawberry smoothie thing and that was great. Than we went to plaza gallaries and went and saw Se Busca or Wanted in English. Minus some awkward scenes I thought it was cool.

Today we are going to Lagunas Zempuelos for the day. Aidee is taking us with her family and we are going to eat and ride horses and do paddle boats and just have fun with her family. I am stoked. I think afterwards Aidee is going to help us set up some appointments to look for a new apartment.

I think we are going to try to start moving out on Monday. I hope that all goes smoothly. I find myself really stressed out and I hate that. I want to just be OK with all of the change I want to be easygoing and smooth sailing but i am not that girl I am so the girl who thinks out wose case scenarios and gets all flustered and what not, it is bad. I trust though that god will take care of it and of me. I trust that it will all be fine.

Robbie is comin to visit on Monday. She will be here through next sat. morning and than I think the team is going to go spend the day in Mexico City with the AIMers there. I am so stoked.

I miss home a lot lately. I miss friends a lot. I have cried a lot this week.

We are going to the beach in a few weeks. I am so excited. I am just hoping that i don't do something stupid and loose a lot of money instead of actually booking a hotel.

Lastly I AM GOING TO LUBBOCK!!!!!!!!! I am leaving the 1st of Oct. and I am stoked. You should come see me. I will be there for like 6 days. It will be nice to see some people and hopefully we will be able to find some time to sing in English with the AIMers.

Update

SO much is happening. Sarah left two weeks ago this coming Sunday. That was really hard and really sad. I am really starting to miss having here around. In that regard Amanda and I are moving. Next week we are moving into the bungalow of Marco until we can find an apartment or cheap house for the two of us. This is so stinkin stressful but, I will be livin in the same lot as Aidee and that is pretty stinkin cool.

We are almost done with language classes, Just four more days or as I like to say just 16 more hours.

I find myself sad a lot. i find myself missing my friends a lot and wishing I could be there with them as they grow up. I am making new friends and that is way cool, but nonetheless it is hard. I wish I could explain it. i am still very happy with my decision but, it is just rough. I am tired of people trying to make it better or thinking they can help. You can't really help even if you have been on the field it still does not make sense to you. But God is still god and I am still His and in that I find peace.

In my intercambio class we read the first chapter of Genesis. It was really cool. i am hoping to set up a woman's bible study once we finish classes. I want to have it once a week with Aidee maybe Zaida and maybe Alex my student and than maybe the girls Andrew and Amanda have been teaching English to. Who knows. I am just letting go of this place and holding His hand. He seems to know what he is doing.