my God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God can not do!!!

This year has definitely been more crazy than I could have ever imagined. I left for Mexico a little under a year ago. I have learned another language, lived in to different homes. Made many new friends, loved deeper and harder than imagined and am now living about an hour away from the most affected city with the swine virus. 

So, we have been cautioned to stay home as much as possible. avoid kisses and handshakes, avoid public transportation, which is our only option and stay away form those who could be sick. Life is strange. but, it is giving Amanda, Andrew and I great quality time. 

Right now it is really hot so I am gonna go take a cool shower and try to cool down. i will do my best to keep you better posted during this time. Thanks for the love and support. 

I don't sleep well anymore and this has many horrible repercussions that come with it. I am really emotional. More so than normal, but I harbor it and just cry to myself. I don't deal well. Loneliness can seem suffocating. I am working through that though. It has made me distant and I want to fix that.

We have a new building. I hope to post pictures somewhere soon. It has two classrooms and a main room and two bathrooms. I had full creative rights on the babies room and I am so happy with it but, it is definitely not done yet. I was so happy b/c in addition to Andrew helping, Ashley, Zane and Brettin came and helped me. It was so great.

Growing up has been hard and making decisions, even harder. but, I am so blessed and I know it and I just need to start living every moment like this is so. I am reading Redeeming Love right now and it is so great. It bring out a lot of emotions within me but, mostly of just hpw much I can not wait to find my special someone and start a life together. I think thats why god doesn't let me date, I will fall head over heels for the next guy and be married in like three months (ok, gross over-exaggeration but still....) I still need sometime single. So yea. 

Andrew and Amanda are sick and I am exhausted, So, I am gonna go watch a movie and spend sometime enjoying living in Mexico. 

I think this is just too hard. I am trying to speak truth into my life and the lives of others. In two incidences it has been really great. I have done what I know to fix broken relationships. Its hard and it hurts and in some parts it makes me more vulnerable than I would prefer. God is teaching me a lot in the past few days and it is rough. I am just not dealing well...... with time, thank you God.

I need to go work on the newsletter now, I have put this off for too long.

finally

I haven't been here for awhile. honestly, i forgot about it. I wish I hadn't though. I have so much to say and feel so much. It has been a rough past few weeks and just when I feel that I am over it, I learn that I am not. I have felt so alone lately. rapped in loneliness. It is painful. So, this is my official cry out to Jesus and whoever else is listening. I am broken and in need of help. I need you to come and wrap your arms around me and cover me in your love and grace and mercy. s the world surrounds me and tells me how unlovable and broken I am please come in and rescue me from these lies that I find so easy to believe and at times want to because at least than they would explain somethings about me and i would understand why I am left to feel this way. The world crashes around me and tells me to be this way, feel such way and look such a way. I can not be it but I want to so much and this is part of the conflict. It hurts inside and in turn I hurt myself (not physically but metaphorically) just wanting to feel anything and it is exhausting. The prayer seems pointless because I wonder if you eve want to hear what I have to say. I know that you want to know of the studies I try to have and of how hard it can be trying to preach your word. where I find myself doubting is that you really want to know of the pains of my heart. the things that should be insignificant in a world such as this. with s much hurt and pain I feel that i should deal with feeling alone. I know this is not true but it goes back to all I struggle with, with feeling inconvenient and in the way and not worth the trouble it takes to help. So instead I just sit back and hope that you will ask me how I am doing. I just want to know that you care to know enough to invest in this relationship. I just don't want to be hurt. So, here I am. I am going to lay myself open in front of your throne. Here I am and empty and broken mess in need of some rebuilding. So can we start over, please, i need that in order to be ok. I need your forgiveness and love and you ability t give the peace that only comes from you.. I have messed up so much in these few years with you and I just, I know that I do not deserve what you are giving me, but I beg and plead and now accept your yes. i know I will need to do the same in the morning because it is just to hard for me to believe this is true. gracias porque tu eres lo mejor novio y no necesito mas en vida, pero tu sabes. que yo quieres entonces you necesito orar por eso tambien. yo necesito hacer una lista y y yo quiero la fe para saber to vas a hacer eso para mi en futuro. pero no mucho tiempo en futuro por favor.

speechless

So. I have been sick for about 17 days now. First I had a cold and than and infection that back to a cold and than my acid reflux flared and raged and now I can not speak. I am on personal assigned vocal rest until I can not feel sore to talk. New puppy makes that hard though b/c she is so stinking difficult.
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I sit at home today watching Romeo and Juliet. I am being such a girl. I am in the love phase. I am enamored by it. It is very unlike me. I am trying to understand romance and why it exist and how. It is weird.

I am doing things like a good Mexican. I got the water received and had than stand set up. I got the gas set up and the gas tank lit.

I am going to go to Starbucks today and read. There is not much else that i can do today. Oh and i think some friends are coming over to watch Elf tonight. This makes me feel all happy and Christmas-y

I got a care package from a supporting congregation. It made me smile.

The team hung out at Nancy's store until late. It was great.

I am so stinking exhausted. It is awful. I slept about 8 1/2 hours but I am so tired. being sick is the worst.

I have a puppy!!!!

Here name is Bela. She is stinking cute. She is a little beyond puppydom but man, she is still very much a puppy. She is intrigued by my toes. She pounces them so I have to wear socks at all times. She is not house broken so that is a patience tryer for both Amanda and I. The boys have been great to. They just moved upstairs like two days ago and so they are claiming the dog as well. They call her our dog, it is way cute. Ben says we can't keep her indefinitely and that makes me sad.
See, I cam home on Tuesday night and she was just sitting in front of my apartment door. I couldn't just leave her there. SO I told Amanda that God had given us a dog. We asked our neighbors and no one knew who she belonged to. SO we told one of the apartment workers that we had her in case anyone comes looking for her. NO one has yet. S for now, she is ours.

My vacation in other parts of Mexico was simply amazing. I spent like a whole week with the Thornton's which made me so happy.I could not have asked for a better thanksgiving. It makes me so happy. Took tons and tons of pictures and saw so many things. I laughed hard and cried hard. I pent time with some AIMers I hadn't seen since April so what was way cool. I stayed with the Guadalajara girls for a little while and they were so sweet. Making me breakfast and just amazing.

I talked with Aaron a lot. I knew I had missed him but, I had no idea how much. He makes me so happy. It was good to be with "tio Aaron" again.

I talked with Brian. It was really nice. I think I lost a lot of bitterness and resentment I had held towards him. I don't even think I was so aware that I was mad until I saw him and than there as the anger. But, we talked and not really even about why I was mad, we just talked. IT was like old times and I just felt better.

The retreat was amazing. I always learn a lot when Jason and Heather are speaking and this time was no different. They amaze me. They are so in tune with God and His word and it just flow or radiates from them.

The last morning I was talking to Jason about how my ministry had felt really empty. I didn't really want to go to the retreat because I didn't want to tell people that I don't really do much. He was so good though and talked to me about how in the secular word when you are a chef the owner will come in and ask you about what all you have done, how many dishes you have served, where they satisfied, was it hot, things of that nature. And if you have little to share you could loose your job. but in the Christian world. In the realms of ministry, God comes in and just asks me "did you stay in the kitchen, when a costumer came in, did you take the opportunity and do your best" I was so amazed. that was a great relief ( I apologize if that makes no sense, I will never say it as amazingly as he did)

It is amazing though because two nights ago I was leaving Starbucks and got into a talk with a worker there. He asked me about my beliefs and why I believe them. He really is beyond the beliefs of some philosopher I have never heard of. So we made a deal. I will read the stuff from this philosopher that he prints off for me if, he is will o sit down and study the bible. He said yes, So, he is putting together a list of questions for me, and we are going to study them. I am stoked.

I think that is it for now.... oh yea. I am going to a metal show tonight, August Burns Red. I am stoked. I am going to get knocked around.

SO I almost have enough money for the Mac. I am like less than $100 short but I still do not have what I need for the retreat. I am really hoping to go up to Guadalajara early to see the Thornton's but it is going to cost me a little extra and I am not sure I can afford that. I really miss them and it would be really nice spend a little bit of time with them before they get bombarded by everyone else. They want to take me to the zoo. I might get to go to the zoo with my family!!! I really miss Eli and Julia.

I talked to my mom last night. It was horrible. We see things so differently. I fear I will never make her happy. I fear that she will never view me a someone who should call them self a Christan. I am always saying or acting the wrong way and she always views me as worse than I am. I am trying really hard to not exaggerate the situation. I jut left it feeling really crappy. I think we came to a good conclusion though. I told her that when i want her advice I am going to ask for it. But otherwise just listen to my story. Sometimes I need to fail on my own let me live and learn. I am 21 and I am trying really hard to be right before God but, I feel like she never sees that. I don't know. I love her and I really miss her and as I write this I am incapable of not crying. I miss her and Blair so much. I hat being a big sister who has no part n her little brothers life. Being so far away from him as he grows up is killing me. I just wish I could see him.

I am still working on flight stuff.... well my dad his. He has been really helpful these past few weeks with working on getting me home and helping me raise money for the computer. I don't have the heart to talk to him about the money for the retreat. So, we will see what God will do through other peoples help.

I miss Michelle. I really miss here. I hope to get to see her in the nearish future.

I am going to an August Burns Red concert in December. Ben told us that the someone could go if we all went. So i am going. Not that I am not excited but... dear gosh I am so poor.

007 was really good. I liked it a lot. I think i might be becoming a James Bond fan.

Twilight comes out on Friday and I think that Ashley might come down to see it with me. GIRLS NIGHT!!!!!

So life is crazy and I think I might just be a wreck. With time.

We are hoping to start working at this place called Casa Tatic(sp) it is a school that teaches street kids basic things of importance. Like brushing there teeth, washing there hands and things like that. I am hoping to go and teach some music and maybe some English and waterfowls they want. I am so excited. I am hoping to work with the toddler group but I would e happy with anything. I love children and I really miss working with them. so, this is just what I have been wanting. also we are still hoping to go look at that orphanage.

Ben is coming back today. I am ready to have him hee for a few days. We miss him. It will be ncie to have him around for a bit and to get to spend time with him. This week has been beyond uneventful. My computer is broken now and I I am really working on raising money to get a new one.

I miss you. iF you are reading this you are probably someone I miss. I have found myself very nostaligic recently. I keep remmeberng random things i did with random peple and getting sad. But i know God is in control and this too shall pass.

I have been hanging out with this girl named Gabby a whole lot and she is stinking awesome. It is nice to have a new friend. I get to see Jason and Heather and the kids in like a week and a half, YAY.

Working on flight stuff to go home in January lets just hope it workds out alright.

I think my team is going to help me get to the retreat, they are prettty awesome. I am blessed and lucky.

We are getting a new vonage box tonight. I am hopong to be in the phone world soonly.

SO... I am in my amazingly cute apartment watching Gilmore Girls with my amazingly awesome roommate/teammate/friend. i keep thinking that this can't be real. I mean I live in Mexico, it can not really be a reality. last week we had our five month aversiry here. I just am mind blown. I have a small group at my house I have friends and people I hang out with. I teach English at a school four days a week and teach two other private lessons and about to start teaching my third one. I have my place where I go read. I have my place where I am known by name.

Spanish is driving me crazy though. i hate it most of the time. It is exhausting and I suck at it. I am tired of being corrected so often. i wish I could function better and understand what people are saying to me. I feel so stupid so often and it makes me so angry. i feel like I am working my butt off all the time. I am out and about a lot. I try to talk to people and instead end up sounding like a moron.

I am working on being more up beat and positive. I seam to be failing a lot. the vonage phone is broken. I hate that.

Today was good though. Although Spanish makes me so angry. I am happy. I am working on a lot of things though.

hey

ok blog world...so i have sat down a few times to write and i feel like i am coming up short. i think culture shock is hitting real hard. I am going through a lot of motions just doing what i need to do. I have really been needing a day of complete nothingness. I want to watch lots of television and order a pizza and jsut be alone. Amanda is going out of town on Saturday so I am hoping I can get that soonish .

other stuff. the team has started teaching at a school. since the teachers are on strike and have been for awhile the parents are starting to get mad and are putting their kids back in school and hiring in teachers to work with the kids. it has been crazy though. i have gone three or four times now and each time it is completely different. I never know what age group i am teaching or what to prepare for. it is the 7th 8th and 9th grade there but i am pretty sure i have never taught the same class twice. I don't know. I find myself a bit stressed out and unproductive but yesterday a girl ran over and gave me a huge hug and told me she was happy to see me. that really helped if nothing else. we are also making friends with carlos, the other English teacher and that has been way cool.

i went to the states for a bit and that was real nice. we went for our recruiting trip and had so much fun. i am really praying that God sends a team our way. it would be so great to have people continue the work we are doing here.

i go to starbucks almost everyday. some days i get a discount and other days its free. i lvoe having my place. it like cheers "sometime you wanna go where everybody knows your name. and their always glad you came" but better b/c its coffee and tea not alchol.

I started reading more. I like to do that now. i need more good books though. that would be nice.

i ahve missed my family a lot this week. blair especially. i have his picture on my computer and he is jsut way to handsome for his own good.

a food friend asked me last night what i miss the most about the the states and i told him the people i have there. everything else fades in the wayside. it really is all about relationships.

i think i am getting sick or something.... hope that goes away soon.

i am finishing my august/September newsletter TOMORROW..... i really need to.

i think that is all...

It has been hard to motivate myself to get out of bed today. I feel like all I want to do is lay still. I want to soak in today an all its noises. I want to breath in everything that is Tuesday. Today is a new day. I am having a hard time feeling it but I am going to believe in it and trust in it. I have a God who is beyond amazing. i have a God who knows the future. My faith feels very very weak right now. Holding on seems very hard. I trust though that you have a plan, I trust that you are bigger than me. i don't know why I trust. Some part of me doesn't even want to, but I know that all other choices fail so strongly in comparison to God and who He is.

What a rough week this has been so far. i felt felt almost every emotion across the board. It has been so bad i have started to make myself sick. I think what is worse is I just took two days of personal time so i should be fine and I really shouldn't take another. I know that probably wouldn't be best anyways. SO, I think I am going to try and go by Aidee's house and spend some time with her. than go to starbucks and than head on to Doug and Sandy's to get ready for group.

I also might be in trouble. there was a bit of a mis-communication on Sunday and I think I messed up real bad. I don't know. I thought i was doing the right thing. I wasn't trying to be a rule breaker. i don't think i was. I just got caught in Mexico City (DF). I was told to stay that it was easier but, I guess that it was not communicated with everyone else. i don't know.

This week might kill me. I am learning a lot and I know it willbe better in time... but I really need some time.

I wish it were better

i wish I knew what to do. i wish I knew how to feel. i wish this wasn't so hard. The more I want to heal the more I hurt. It feels like my gut is in constant pain. My head hurts and I fee; like tears to often. why is it this way? Why do I feel like the only one who feels this way? i know I have people to talk to and I do but it really does not help. I finish the tears and pretend it is all OK because I really don't know what else to do. It is really just something I have to deal with, something I have to learn to trust in. I am not good at that I guess. i think I just haven't really figured out the secret. I think I should pray more.

but in other news. pray for Aidee, she hurt herself and is in a neck brace for 15 days. i don't really know the details but I am going over to her place tomorrow for an English class so than i am hoping to get the details.

I am going to Mexico City this weekend, I am hoping to figure out somethings. I have never felt so blach about something as I do right now.


It will be OK, I know it will be. I just know and believe and maybe if I say it enough I will honestly believe it.

ramble

so. It will be four months here next Tues. I think that is just plain crazy. I have all these feelings and desires of things to do and it is weird but, you know what that strongest thought I feel is? Lonely. I feel so lonely. It's silly. People just say this gives you time to be in a relationship with Jesus, but see I am just not sure that He feels that void. that sounds so awful when I read what i wrote but, I just am not sure He is supposed to. Adam walked with God in the garden but, God knew that would not be enough and gave him Eve. He had pre-anticipated it all. So, I am the only single one on the team and really out of the people I hang out with and it is hard. I don't know. that's is i think....

Home again.

well, we got back around 540 from Acapulco. It was amazing. I soaked up tons of sun and had so much fun.

Wednesday when we got in i was really nervous about what all could go wrong. my biggest fear was that the hotel wouldn't actually exist.but luckily it did. so we got checked in and than got changed and headed to the beach. We at at this little place with pretty crummy food and were scouted by people to by everything under the sun. we than went to this island and and swam in the ocean. water was calm and beautiful. Rudy and I rode a jet ski, it was my first time. we than went back to the hotel and swam in the pool, got showered up went to the mall for dinner at Applebee's and by the time we got home we were all so exhausted we went to sleep.

Thursday- woke up and had breakfast at the hotel that was so good. than went to find the bungee jump. when we got there it wasn't opened yet so we went to the beach near it. It was really strong and kind of scary. the people there were a bit crude and we had a few uncomfortable moments. but since this is a family appropriate blog I will leave that out. but no real serious problems. we than went to the bungee. I had no plans of jumping but my team is really convincing.


after that we went to a different part of the beach that was a bit more calm. I rode a different jet ski with Rudy and than he let me drive for a bit. It was crazy. We than went home Rudy and I swam and than we all ate dinner at the hotel. than we went to this rock diving show that was insane. I went back to the hotel and used the Internet and than went to bed.

Friday we did breakfast and went back to the island. It rained and we swam in it anyways. ate there and than went back to the hotel. i swam with Rudy than got ready and went to the mall we went and saw taken and than ate at burger king. after that we went to Starbucks and than Beck to the hotel.

over all it was a great vacation. BUT... oh my gosh i am so tired. But i loved the trip. It was fantastic

Here

so i am sitting a Starbucks and I love it here. i walked in and they asked me if I want what I usually get and I say... um... I don't think so its cold. he than says how about having it warm. I was like sure, why not. than the girl walks up to get my drink hearing nothing but the size and automatically goes for the cold cup it was fun for me. I have a place where they know me by name. It is not as good as shades but it will do for now. also when I was walking in i saw one of the guys who works here and he kissed my check and than said something i didn't really understand. I told him my Spanish wasn't very good and he argued me and said I understand so much. It was neat. It made me smile.

this week has been nuts. We had friends day at church on Sunday and had 72 PEOPLE THERE!!!!!!!! the most we have ever had. It was awesome. I didn't go into service though. There was a boy there who was mentally challenged so i sat outside with him and than took pictures of service and class. More on this in the soon future. it was great. there was also this lady there with her five sons. So i invited them over later for swimming and pizza, here and her five sons. Including the AIMers we had 16 people but it was a blast and I think they are considering coming to small group this week since we won't have it this week because us AIMers are going to..... ACAPULCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so stoked. four days on the beach with just my other three teammates it should be great.

Amanda and I moved today and I am exhausted. WE also have no gas so I am not sure how I am going to get to shower but, it will all work out. I am almost completely unpacked... to turn around and repack.

I decided that I am going to Georgia in May for the wedding. he is my best friend and he wants me there, I want to be there.

i miss my family. I miss them so much. Blair is my joy and even just thinking about him makes me so happy and so sad all in the same breath.

I think Jean Michele enjoyed group a lot. He told his mom that the had tons of fun. this makes me so excited. how cool that Jean Pierre is easing up to us.

I leave for Lubbock in like 29 days... Popeye's here I come.

Oh also, Id decided to not write a newsletter this month. I am going to to a video instead. Pictures and what not.

My thoughts are all over the place. I like it, I am so happy.

what a crazy week

we are living with Doug and Sandy and that has been really nice. It is weird living withe the grand parent type, very new territory. I have been trying to make a new routine. i am trying to be up by 830 at the latest watch a video podcast sermon. eat breakfast and take a shower. its been hard. I need the time though. things here don't really start until 10ish so its weird. But, things go more late than things in the state. i am really not used to the rainy weather either. It makes me tired. The clouds make me want to sleep all the time so I am working through that.

Went out for breakfast with Andrew and Amanda this morning. it was nice. Rudy is sick and so it was kinda lame he couldn't come but we had fun anyways.

Its hard being on the field. I talked to someone last night who told me they have been going to Mexican restaurants where they speak no English to try to experience what we feel and than pray for us, i thought that was really neat. brought tears to my eyes. But honestly I miss home a lot recently.

I haven't been able to talk to people very much since living with Doug and Sandy and I miss that. it is what keeps me going. Knowing that you support me in this helps me stay committed.

I wish I knew what was best. I am trying to figure out when to go home to visit and i am having a great deal of trouble deciding. Knowing what is best for me and for you is really hard. I am trying but failing miserably. Anyways. I miss you and that I do know.

I have not talked to Blair it what feels like ages. He is my joy. I miss singing to him and laughing. I really hopes he gets to come visit. The whole family of course but especially him. Oh I want him to meet the kids here.

Friends day is on Sunday. I am inviting Aidee and her family. Young Daniel and Raul from the tienda and his family. God is working and i am excited to see what amazing things he does.

Well I think I am going to nap. I am so stinking exhausted and I think it might rain.

I have missed Jesus

I accidentally cut Him out of my ministry. I got so busy talking about Him to other people and doing the missionary thing that I had forgotten to incorporate Him in my life. I teach English class and talk with Alex about Him. I tell Aidee how powerful He is. I go to small groups and church but I had not spent time with him. Tonight i decided to finish the video sermon I tried to watch this morning. It was so great. It talked about having Jesus as your Shepard. I remembered why i am here. i remembered how much I lack but how great He is in me. I started listening to some worship services they have posted online. It has been great. Than i was talking to Zane online.

trueoreo12 (10:18:27 PM): tell me something good something true

SoarinEagles2005 (10:19:42 PM): Good funny or just all around good?

trueoreo12 (10:20:18 PM): all around good

SoarinEagles2005 (10:22:30 PM): You're not alone

trueoreo12 (10:23:30 PM): oh.... for some reason... that was what I needed tonight

It is so easy to let big truths slip my mind. I get so caught up in the vocabulary of church. I know I am not alone. It has been an overall good day. Because i have chosen to start and end it with Jesus.

perspective

I have begun to discover that perspective is everything. The way i perceive that exact situation someone else experiences with me. I guess to some extant i knew that but in reality it never really clicked. like my time here has been the exact same time as the rest of my team has had but we all feel so different.

i guess that isn't really what is on my mind right now. I am so brain trapped. I am doing the girl thing. I don't want to be a girl. I get flustered and distracted it is weird.

Motivation... where does it go. For some reason prayer feels so fake. i don't know. When I sit down to pray or to read it feels so forced like I have to b/c I am a missionary and that is just what we do. i don't know. That probably doesn't make since or makes me sound horrible and that is not what I want I just can't seem to make sense of it. I don't know. Sometimes I eel like he already knows what I want to say so why even bring it up. I don't know if that... oh I don't know. I feel so far away. he feels so far away. I don't know how to go back. i wish this made sense. I just have so many thoughts and I don't feel like it is a concept easily discussed. It scares people when you say you are struggling because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't feel there is an answer that can be given.

I miss singing in English. A lot. i am starting to wonder... people have love languages is it possible that we also have worship languages and if you aren't able to express your love language than you stat to feel distant from God. i am not sure, I should look into that thought some more.

last day

I have less than four hours of class. Afterwards I have to pack like a mad woman. I hate packing. It is so hard to motivate myself to do it.

This week just might kill me. I struggle a lot with doing the right thing. I struggle with keeping others accountable to things that i really do not feel is big deal. I want to do the right thing though. I feel we need to do the right thing. I know I am not perfect I know I screw up and I am not making excuses for me but although I fail some times I do not feel that it than cancels out my right to hold you accountable. Ii am trying. i want to be like Jesus and somethings I wonder..... I don't know this is hard. this is really hard for me.

Amanda and I talked last night while we were packing. She was saying how cool it is that we are friends now and how packing to move would just suck if we did not like each other. God is pretty cool that way. He knew what he was doing all alone even when I did not believe that He did.

I hate this feeling I have inside. I want to cry and scream and hit some one in the face. I am so exhausted an you are not making ti any better. You said it was your choice. you said you would take the blame and not hold us responsible. Now, you are so angry at us. I hate doing the right thing sometimes. I really suck at it. I hate trying to hold people accountable who have no care of right or wrong. I am trying so hard. I think I am done.

dos mas dias

I am in my house for the last two days. We are moving on Friday. I know I have an apartment i am just not sure when we can move into it. SO... for now we are moving but, I just do not to where at this exact movement. I will miss this house it is nice but the new place will be cheaper.

I am always tired and motivation is gone. I feel real empty inside like I am lacking something. It is weird.

ic ant seem to motivate myself to finish this post.. maybe later tonight/